Eyes wide open, as morbid memory from my childhood flashes.
I am not sure about myself anymore.
Confused and about to burst into tears, father speaks up.
"It is not your fault that you're like this.", he said in a gloomy tone.
"Not my fault?" my question of confirmation.
"Do you know how many times my sister has been haunting me? In my daily life, even in my dreams! It's driving me crazy! " I burst into tears.
Father then hugs me while rubbing my back, trying to console me.
"I told them about your condition. I... I thought you already got through this. I thought you have recovered after all the therapy and sessions. But as far as I can see, I think you never got well." Father told me as he wipes my tears, looking at me with pity in his eyes.
I looked at him, puzzled.
Why?
These thoughts have been haunting me. Those memories from the past, troubles me every time.
Chaos fills my head.
Instead of building up myself, I ended up crashing down.
It appears that it will not be curable. It will be a burden
What have I done now?
"Ate, stop! It hurts! It hurts!" Chia shouted as I slapped her face two times.
On the third one, she had already fallen on the floor, face down, crying for help.
It seems that the anger that lingers inside me was not satisfied yet.
I went on top of her and slapped her face once more, and then smashing her head on the hard surface of our floor.
This time heavier and more painful.
"I said I'm sorry already! I will not take your shirt anymore without asking permission! Please stop!" she pleaded while crying beneath me, her hand trying to restrain my vicious deed.
However, it appears as if I have not heard anything. I manage to pin her by gripping her neck with my tiny hands.
Choking her, while looking in her eyes filled with tears, her face is all red with all the hitting that she received.
I can see her struggling.
As I see her face, and tears all over her face. I laughed. I feel so satisfied with the outcome.
She is getting out of breath when father rushed towards us, immediately pull me apart from my insanity.
"What are you doing!", father shouted at me.
“Chia!” As he carries the poor child, turned almost purple and near dying. Crying and coughing because of the strangling that she had experienced.
"Are you trying to kill your sister? What has gotten into you? " He asked as if a fifteen year old child can answer it directly.
I stare at them.
After a while, smile as if what I did was right.
I stand up, reach out for my sister’s forehead then gently rub it. “Shhhh.. Good night.”
Chia flinched as she felt my hand in her forehead. Her eyes still streaming with tears, as he hugs father’s neck tightly and looked away from me.
I go upstairs, leaving them in a state of confusion.
As I enter my room and sit in the corner of my bed, emotions burst like a bubble. Suddenly I start crying, like there is no tomorrow.
Screaming, as if I was in pain.
