Memories can be made in seconds, yet can last forever.
Chug! Chug! Chug! …. the people in the background of the bar yelled, as they held a long haired man by his legs over the caeg. Now I know, I know … what a life.
I sit here and wallow in my own self pity, pondering on the thought of the after life miserably turning out better than my present. One drink, two drinks, three drinks, four, and I've seemed to lose count as my entire body, mind, and glass fell to the floor. As I pick myself up sluggish and drunk i make my way to the door and open it up to what seems more dangerous than the encouragement that lay at the bottom of my glass that I had just dropped a moment before. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…. I count for nearly half an hour until an opportunity struck my eyes, the pont de la mort, which is the abandoned bridge i always sat on to think. I know now isn't the time or state of mind to be sitting at the edge of this bridge to think about everything going on, but I have nothing… not a single thing left to lose that was ever worth holding onto in the first place. So I take my seat begin to think and then……i jump.
While i'm falling and screaming, I begin to wonder if this was a mistake. If things were not supposed to end this way and i could have been someone, done something, but anything I could do would never have been good enough yet at the same time would have been one million times better than anything my influencers through life have ever done. It's too late now. This is my fait. I will sink to the bottom of this river and let the courent decide what happens with my futile, meaningless, traumatized body. The thought of drowning is terrifying yet so amazing because leaving this earth means ending my nightmare, which most would simply call life. I've never had it easy and i admit there's worse, but that worse is death and at this point i would rather have passed on and had people miss me, then live to have people regret my existence.
I had one person. One compaignion, one might i even say friend. She was there for me more than anyone ever has been. I don’t talk to her much but when i do she listens to me rant and tried to help me through it and i do the same. I never knew one loyal, kind hearted, human being would ever have such a big place in my heart. If I had any reasons to not take the turn is this incredibly bumpy road that I took my only reason would be her, Quendilen. I honestly don’t know why but she has always stuck by my side for no reason. Yet still not even the realization that i actually have someone there for me could stop me from making the hesitant choice to end my life.
The freezing cold and foggy water hit me and felt as if rows and rows of freshly sharpened knives struck me as hard and as fast as possible and spread from the center of my spine through my entire back and quickly to my complete body. As I sink deep in the glistening water, every bubble that exits my lips fills my mind with yet another memory of reasons to keep sinking. I realized I was dying as my life begun to flash before my eyes.
As the first air bubble i can remember exits my lips i suddenly remembered the terror of watching, the pathetic, agonizing, human, i called my father, repeatedly bash my mother with his wailing fist. She had never had it easy nor had I. Always what we were doing wrong, ignoring the exceeding amount of right we were verifying. I felt her pain and i heard her agony. No other by her side just as I now have no other by mine.
By my side i have water. Water that looks so smooth yet can feel so rough. No more rushing waves up against my gental skin, and no more clashing fists against my deceased mothers’. I loved that women with every bit of me. For so long she was the only other person in this world who cared about me for more than 2 seconds. I get that in there eyes I was just a child but i know, and so does everyone else, abuse is traumatizing and worrisome.
I asked my father for syrup. Quietly and carefully so I wouldn't upset him. My mother had always told me not to upset him or she would have to deal with his force in one way or another. He ignored me even though he knew there was no way i could have reached it. My mother interjected bravely and asked him once again, polighty, to please pass the syrup. My father insisted i could get it myself, and shouted with power not to bother him again. I always wondered if it was just me that lived through this idiotic insanity. I tried to love that awful man but there is no light in him that strikes the opportunity for love, so I just gave up. Anyway, my mother explained dexterously yet firmly that I can’t reach it.
I tried to say nevermind quicker then he got angry, I knew in the past he hit my mother I could hear it. But it didn't matter this time he didn't care if i saw. He got so angry so fast. He punched her in the face and didn't stop till she just gave up and couldn't get up anymore. Who knew something so silly, could turn into something so vigorous.
Im sinking so slowly. It's almost as if I can feel every centimeter of water i break into. Im dying so fast and sinking so slow. I can't bare the agony of the wait i just want to die and get this miserable feeling of living over. Life isn't a gift it's more of a curse that people cast upon me. Honestly i'm confused why i am even on this earth. I have no purpose except to be pushed around.
Second bubble, second terrible reminder of my past, I had only just turned 8. It was my birthday. Whenever I upset my father, he took it out on my mom and I felt bad but i was her baby, i understood she was keeping me safe. She tried so hard to make my birthday the best it could be, and it was the best it could be, until it wasn't.
We were in the back yard and my dad asked for his bear. I was happy for the first time in a while. He demanded his beer quickly, I would have hesitated a moment to finish opening my only present, but this night was going so well, I didn't want to ruin it. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the glass… I dropped it on the wooden stairs he just finished building. I yelled in terror that I was sorry and it was an accident because of the look in his eyes. My mother tried to tell him that accidents happen. But he didnt care what anyone had to say. Once he was angry, he was angry. He walked over to me, grabbed my shirt, slapped me in the face, and told me to watch my step next time.
My mother was screaming at him to stop. I remember it like it was yesterday. I ran back to my room scared of what may have happened next with me in reaching distance of him. I was simply terrified.
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The water that is filling my lungs feels as if a fire was erupting slowly inside me and spreading throughout my entire body down to my fingertips and toes. I'm in so much pain yet still not the most pain I've ever been in. I don't know how to feel. Should I be happy now that i know life is finally ending. Or should I regret this, should I be wishing to stay alive right now. I'm calm now. I suddenly felt tranquility and it was like along with my next air bubble followed my stress. I have nothing left to fear because my possible worst is finally here. And over.
I feel as if I can finally let go of the regret of failing everyone. No more bad memories. The bubbles that leave my mouth are no longer filled with air. They are now filled with all my sorrow and pain that has gathered and stuck with me through all these years. Look at me people, 23 and not a damn thing to live for. Not more than a single damn person left by my side. Not a single good day. But now instead of spending my miserable life with only one person. I will spend my less stressful after life completely alone.
