Compassion is contempt with a human face.
—John McCarthy
I miss New York.
It was the first thing that drifted through Lucia Marcello’s mind as she strolled through The Annex for the first time in almost a year. She’d visited the market shortly before heading out to California the year before, but that was only to grab a few jars of her favorite homemade loose tea. She wouldn’t be able to get it anywhere but here.
California was … exactly what Lucia needed. It gave her space from her family, and allowed the bitterness and contempt she constantly felt for them to stay hidden, for the most part. Oh, sure, it was still there. Festering and living well, but it just didn’t show itself nearly as much when she didn’t have to face people like her father or brother day in and day out.
Except … California wasn’t one thing.
That one thing being home.
New York was always going to be home to Lucia.
Maybe that’s why she felt so goddamn nostalgic as she took in the many vendor tents, and the new faces filling up The Annex. It had always been a melting pot of races, religions, and cultures. There was something for everyone here. That’s part of the reason why she loved it so much.
Despite the way she wanted to enjoy being here when she hadn’t been here in so long, Lucia couldn’t settle into that comfort as easily as she wished. She might have been able to blame it on the fact this was her first trip home in almost a year, but that wasn’t it at all.
More like the man walking a few paces behind her. Her brother—John. Sure, he’d kept quiet as Lucia became acquainted with the woman he simply explained that he loved. He’d said it so surely, so honestly, that Lucia had no choice but to believe her brother when he introduced her to Siena Calabrese. She didn’t think she had ever heard her brother sound so entirely sure about anything before.
Not like he had when he told Lucia about Siena.
So, maybe it made her feel a little sick to her fucking stomach that her brother was happy in a way. That he’d found someone to love; someone he wanted to protect and adore for the rest of his life; someone he needed as much as he needed air. Because that was all the things John dared to explain to Lucia when he brought Siena along for their trip out—one her mother had all but demanded she take. To let John apologize; to fix the burned bridges, her mother offered like Lucia gave a single damn.
She wasn’t sure if she did.
Lucia did know that the fact John had found someone he loved felt like a gut punch for her. Why was he allowed to have someone he wanted and loved when he had practically ripped that very same thing out of her arms?
He’d helped to take her love away.
He’d done that.
And she was supposed to be happy for him right now? God knew she tried—over the last year, she’d tried damn hard to forgive her brother for all the shit that had gone down with Renzo.
That was the thing about feeling such a strong contempt for the people you also loved, Lucia had found. It was relentless, and vicious. It didn’t just draw lines in the sand, no. It painted them with the blood of memories from happier times, ruined and stained. It was like a damn poison, slowing taking over a person’s body.
Because that’s how it worked. It killed a person while they waited for it to kill someone else. Despite knowing all of this, Lucia couldn’t let it go. She was infected with it—dying from it slowly.
Being angry was easier.
She didn’t know how to be anything else now.
It was funny.
Sickening, too.
A year could change so fucking much for everyone else. But a year changed nothing for her. She was still just as raw as she had been. Still just as hurt, and angry. Everyone else’s world continued to turn, and hers was stuck in this standstill she couldn’t seem to escape.
Lucia wasn’t sure if she wanted to escape it, honestly. Again … easier.
John continued to stay far enough behind them to give Lucia some breathing room even as they headed further into The Annex. She was grateful he made the effort,, but John had always been the type to give people their space when he got the impression they needed it. Mostly because he wanted people to afford him the same thing.
Despite being slightly uncomfortable because of her brother’s constant presence that day, Lucia couldn’t deny the fact that there was something … sweet about Siena Calabrese. Lucia had taken to her almost the second she said hello with a bright smile. Like she had heard all about Lucia—the woman probably had, knowing John—and couldn’t wait to make friends.
It was kind of hard to be angry with a woman who just wanted to like you. Plus, Siena didn’t have anything to do with the whole Renzo episode a year earlier. Lucia found herself surprised at how easily she wanted to make friends with Siena, too. Like maybe she was in desperate need of another friend in her life.
She had so few of those.
It sucked.
“I think he’s lonely back there,” Siena said to Lucia. “John never does well as the third wheel, does he?”
She gave a little laugh. “He’s going to be fine.”
Siena bumped Lucia gently with her hip. “He loves you so much. Talks about you all the time, Lucia. He’s had a rough time this last year. I think you have, too. It might help you both if you just tried—”
“Probably not,” Lucia muttered under her breath.
Instead of trying to argue with her further, Siena gave her a look and then shrugged her shoulder when Lucia refused to break her cold, calm mask. “All right, don’t say I didn’t give you the chance to make the first step without help, you know.”
What in the hell did that mean?
Lucia would soon find out.
It seemed it wasn’t only her mother—her father had all but given up on trying to close the distance between the two of them—who was willing to play the Devil’s advocate for Lucia and her brother. Siena seemed ready to jump into the fray, too.
Great.
“John, you’re out of that jam you like, right?” Siena asked, looking over her shoulder.
Lucia’s gaze drifted to John, too, but the second he looked back at her, the coldness slipped into her heart once more to freeze it all over. Just like that, she went from feeling fire and fury to nothing. Nothing at all. Sometimes, she hated that emotion played tricks with her now. Like she was feeling entirely too much one second, and then the next, she couldn’t feel anything at all. She wished it would just pick one goddamn thing or the other and stop giving her whiplash.
She quickly tore her stare away from her brother, refusing to give him more of her attention right then. She didn’t like the way it left her empty, and feeling more alone than ever.
John sighed behind her.
Siena looked Lucia’s way like she wanted to grab her attention. Lucia even refused to look at her.
“We can grab some of the jam on the way out,” John said. “Don’t worry about it, bella.”
Siena was quick to reply, “No, I can make a trip around. I need to grab something else that way, too. You and Lucia keep going. She wants to grab—what is that, again?”
Lucia didn’t look back at her brother as she muttered, “Some loose tea.”
Kind of wishing I didn’t want it at all, now. I wouldn’t have to be here to begin with. Hell, even her thoughts were a particular brand of nasty today.
“Yeah, so take her,” Siena said, dropping Lucia’s arm and giving John a pointed look. “And I will meet you at the entrance on the way out of the market.”
It further proved what she believed—the woman was going to attempt to force Lucia to make nice with her brother by not giving her a choice when she left her alone with him. That was laughable. Lucia could sit in a room with anyone and say absolutely nothing. They could be looking her right in the eye, and she could keep her expression blank, and her mouth firmly fucking shut.
Out of the corner of her eye, Lucia watched Siena drop a quick kiss to John’s lips and murmured something she couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it made her brother pout. Like a fucking little boy. It was almost amusing.
“I will meet you at the entrance,” John grumbled when Siena stepped away from him.
“Good,” she replied.
Siena patted his cheek with a soft hand, and then just as fast, headed into the crowd, back the way they first came. Lucia didn’t miss how one of two enforcers that were following them for the day headed after her without a word. She didn’t think to ask her brother why he had enforcers trailing this close to them, but she didn’t need to, either.
They were mafia kids.
Well, even if they weren’t kids anymore.
Something dangerous was always following close behind. The next attempt on someone’s life was always right around the corner. Not to mention, Lucia didn’t know all the details about the past year as she hadn’t thought to ask, but she did hear whispers. Her brother had taken over a rival family—people were unhappy.
That meant bad things.
Probably another reason for the enforcers.
With Siena gone, that left John and Lucia.
Alone.
Shit.
Lucia sighed, wanting to get this done and over with. At least with the buffer of Siena between them, she didn’t feel so out of place with her brother. Waving a hand at her brother and heading into the crowd, Lucia said, “Well, come on, then. It’s cold, and I don’t want to freeze out here for too long.”
John chuckled, and his footsteps followed behind. “You didn’t mind five minutes ago when Siena was here.”
Lucia stiffened.
Asshole.
He would have to say that, wouldn’t he? She wished he just wouldn’t start to begin with. Make this easy on her, and all that shit. Nothing could ever be that simple in Lucia’s life. It was never simple.
“Yeah, well …”
What else could she say?
Apparently, she didn’t need to say anything because John had all sorts of things to say. Fucking perfect.
“What do you need me to say, Lucia?” John asked quietly from behind her. She still refused to turn around and face him even as he spoke. Maybe it was rude, but it was better than him seeing the hatred shining back in her eyes. She didn’t want to hear anything he said, but here they were, it seemed. Just her luck, too. “Tell me what to say so that we can move on, and I will do that. Sorry isn’t going to be good enough—I get that. So what will do it for you?”
For a second, she stopped walking. Her heart stuttered—playing tricks on her again, as the emotions blew all around her like the people still swarming The Annex. The tension between her and John still felt thick and loaded with all the things she had said to him before this—things she knew hurt him because God, she just needed him to understand and feel the way he made her feel—and things they had yet to say to one another.
Did he really want to know?
Did he honestly want to know what would make this better?
Because she didn’t think anything would.
Slowly, Lucia turned to stare at her brother. The familiar prickling behind her eyes said the tears were coming, and she bet John could see the water shining back at him, but she held it all at bay. She would not cry. Not then.
“You’re right,” Lucia said, “sorry won’t be good enough, John.”
“But I am sorry.”
She believed him for no other reason than the truth staring back in his gaze, and the way he dropped every pretense he’d been holding onto before this moment. She heard the truth in his voice, and how it colored his tone thickly with emotion she understood all too well.
Regret.
Pain.
She knew that well because she felt it constantly.
So, yeah, she believed that he was sorry.
Lucia nodded. “Now.”
“The day it happened. The day I found you. The day Renzo was taken away. That very second, Lucia, I was sorry,” her brother muttered, his tone aching. “That was not what was supposed to happen.”
