“I feel like I’m walking through a long, dark, cold tunnel, stumbling, bumping into things, trying to recognize faces, trying to find that one flickering flame of candle, grasp a hand to lead me out to the warm light but now I feel like there’s no way out. I’m surviving like that person who is lying on the plank of wood that’s swimming in the center of an ocean. I’m trying to find a land to step on but can’t find one. I am surviving like that person in desert who does have a hope that one day she’d find water to quench her thirst but deep down she knows that she’d die there, alone, in the middle of the desert and nobody would even know or feel her absence. Is it normal?” She looked up at the grey eyes before her eyes darted to the pen scribbling down everything that she said.
“What about your husband? Don’t you think he’s the hand you want to grasp in the tunnel?” He asked, looking at the broken soul through those grey eyes, piercing into her soul.
“I don’t know. He loves me. He loves me so much but I can’t forget him.” The girl with brown, hazel eyes stated, embarrassed of what she was telling because it was cheating in some twisted way.
“Do you love your husband?” The grey eyed man questioned and the raven-haired girl, looked down, fiddling with her fingers.
“I try to love him.” She mumbled, embarrassed.
“How does he make you feel?” He further questioned. The brown eyed girl, looked away, trying to hide her embarrassment.
“He makes me feel so good, Nathan. He is always so caring. He understands me. He is everything a girl can desire for but…” she trailed off, looking down at her lap.
“He’s not what you desire?” Nathan completed her sentence. He looked up, teary eyes with bags under them, tired expressions, looking like she had lived a decade in past six years.
“Does it matter? He is my husband now.” She looked down, once again, trying to make sense of all this.
“Tell him, Hazel. Maybe, it’s guilt. Maybe, you know that he doesn’t know about what happened and that’s why you’re feeling like you don’t connect to him.” Nathan said to the 28-year-old lady who was now sniffing.
“Tell him so he leaves me too? I don’t think I can afford another heart break.” Hazel, answered, catching the tear from the corner of her eye before it could roll down.
“Hazel, life returns what you give it. If you keep pushing away your life, life is going to push you away. Try to understand. You have to forget and move forward.” Nathan politely said.
“You have to forget and move on.”
Hazel had heard this statement more than her name but how does one forget something? How is it even possible to forget something that has become a part of you, your identity, your life, your personality? Is it even possible to forget something that wrecked you, that made you hate yourself so much that you lost your own identity, that made you keep your head down and lose all the confidence, that made you lose the believe you once had in yourself, that made you forget about your passions and made you a walking dead body? Is it even possible to forget something so horrendous?
Hazel looked up at Nathan’s grey eyes that were looking at her, a sympathy visible in them. Hazel looked away, fidgeting with fingers, shifting in her position, visibly shaking and that’s when her eyes landed on the wall clock.
12:00 pm.
“Our session is over.” Hazel stood up, hurriedly.
Nathan tried to stop her but before he could, Hazel rushed out of Nathan’s home. She jumped into her car, bringing it to life before driving off to the very familiar house, where she knew someone would be waiting for her.
She had been seeing Dr. Nathan for past two months but she was no better. She still felt like she was trapped inside a box where she was provided everything but still she had no access to it because her hands were tied.
She pulled over in her driveway, got out and trod to the front door before opening it with her keys. She closed the door stepping in and heard distant voices of her husband.
“Yeah, sure. Make it two.” She heard his voice and followed it.
She entered the living room. Her husband was pacing around the room in his sweats, talking on the phone with someone. He passed a smile to Hazel and she returned before making herself comfortable on the couch.
“Alright, Mr. Nelson, I’ll talk to you later.” Her husband said to the person on the phone before hanging up.
“How was the session?” He asked, sitting beside Hazel who just gave a weak smile because still the session was of no use even after taking it for months.
“Tiring.” Hazel replied, leaning back on the couch, closing her eyes.
“Baby, do you want to eat something?” He asked her, grabbing her hand.
She glanced at their entwined hands and didn’t utter a word. She thought about all those good moments she had spent with her husband but it never felt right. It had been 6 years now but she can’t seem to forget when holding hands felt right, not with her husband but with him.
“Hazel, I’m talking to you…”
She was pulled out of her thoughts and stared at her husband’s face for a while, trying to recognize the face when suddenly a masked face flashed before her eyes and she pushed him away. She was tired of this feeling. The feeling that everyone around her was her enemy even if it’s just her husband.
“Hazel…” he spoke, trying to reach her, carefully, while she kept panting, looking at her lap. It always took her a moment to come back to the reality that not everyone is hiding a beast inside.
“You good?” He asked, once she was calmed down and pulled her in a hug. She nodded and quickly pulled away because being in the arms of anyone was just not comfortable for her.
“Where’s Asher, Will?” She questioned her husband, getting up.
“In his room, doing his homework.” William answered, staring at her but she was refusing to even look at him.
“I’ll go check up on him.” Hazel was about to leave when she heard two small feet running down the stairs. She smiled and waited for the only source of light that was keeping her away from all the chaos that her life was surrounded in.
“Mummy!” A small, 6-year-old child with brunette hair, falling into his eyes ran towards her and hugged her legs, head hardly reaching her torso.
“How’s Mummy’s baby boy?” Hazel asked, ruffling his hair and picked him up. She walked to the other couch and sat on it before making his boy sit on her lap, as far away from Will as it was possible.
“I’m not a baby anymore, Mummy.” Asher gave Hazel a look, trying to act too cool for his age.
“Sure, whatever you say baby boy.” She kissed his temple before letting him go because he was trying to get out of her grip, wriggling.
“I made a sand castle today… at beach… with daddy.” Asher informed and Hazel smiled at him, giving him a thumbs up because she couldn’t speak. She had no words after what he said.
Every time Asher called William ‘daddy’, Hazel would get these strong feelings in her stomach to throw up. She was reminded of that night when it all went downhill for her. When she felt like she lost her identity, her self-confidence, her wish to live life fully, everything that she ever desired for. She could never forget how she was shattered into pieces that night, again and again.
“I collected all the shells. Wait here, I’m going to grab them.” Hazel snapped out of her thoughts and gave him an encouraging smile. Asher, the overly excited child, ran out of the room as fast as his 6-year-old feet could take him.
“Stop doing this, Hazel.” Will spoke when Asher was out of the room. She glanced at him, confusion clear on her face.
“Doing what?” Hazel inquired.
“He was talking to you. Stop zoning out. I can understand when you pay dust to me but him… what’s his fault?” William asked, angrily.
“Shut the fuck up if you know nothing. It was you who was dying to marry me, now stop complaining!” Hazel spat, standing up and about to leave when William stopped her, grabbing her hand which took her off guard. As always, she instantly jerked away, scared, and staring at William as if he was some stranger.
“Hazel… it’s me. William.” William approached her now carefully and grabbed her hand. She lost all the control on her emotions that night. The night when every dream in her eye shattered. This made her so vulnerable that even the slightest emotion, made her overwhelmed. Either she starts crying or just becomes snappish. And right now… she was pouring out her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Will. I really am. I don’t do this on purpose. It just happens.” She sobbed, pulling her husband closer and hugged him tightly. Hugs and touches were something that rarely happened between the married couple and if they happened, it was always Will who always initiated it.
“Don’t leave me. Please never leave me, Will.” She cried, clutching the front of his shirt and soaking it in her tears. Will pulled her closer, if that was even possible because she was already leeched to him as if he was going to disappear.
“I won’t. I promise.” Her husband answered the same thing he always said, rubbing her back in circles to calm her.
“Mummy…” A small voice made both of them pull apart. She looked at her son standing not too far away from her, looking up at her with his innocent eyes that held so many questions. She crouched down to his level after wiping her tears.
“Yes, baby?” She pulled him closer through his tinny arm.
“Mummy, you’re crying. Again.” Asher said, wiping his Mummy’s face.
Hazel would lie if she say, this didn’t make her overwhelmed but this time, instead of crying or being snappish she pulled her son closer and kissed his forehead. Her son was the only exception when she could make sane decisions.
“I’m fine, baby. Show me the shells and then go back and finish your homework. Okay?” She softly spoke, trying her best to stay strong for her son.
On the mention of seashells, Asher showed her the jar he was holding in his hands and showed her the seashells. When Asher told his mother about every seashell, where he found them and how he collected all of them in the seven pockets of his shorts he was wearing, he left without another word to do his homework because he was very close to his mother and never wanted her to be mad at him.
Hazel was back on the couch, cuddling her husband, head on his chest, trying to feel the warmth she wanted to feel, the warmth that she craved since he left but she couldn’t. Something in her heart never accepted Will as her husband even after the wedding vows and she didn’t know how long it’d take her to forget her past and accept her husband because Will didn’t deserve her cold shoulder.
“How was the session?” Will asked again, breaking the silence and dragging her out of her dark world.
“Useless.” She answered, playing with Will’s shirt.
“What’s holding you back?” He brushed her long silk hair and looked down at her. She met his gaze and a guilt rushed over her.
“I don’t know. I swear I’m trying to be normal but I don’t know what’s happening. Every time I take a step out in the light, a cloud covers the sun and I’m again in the dark alley with no one to hold onto.” She answered, voice heavy as she tried to hold back her sobs. The emotions playing their game with her again.
“Why can’t you tell me what happened?” Will questioned and it made her completely pull away from her husband. She stared at the distant walls, thinking about the time when she was asked this question for the first time.
“Why can’t you tell me what happened?!” He shouted, grabbing her arm tightly and shaking her.
“I just can’t. Please, don’t go.” She answered, sobbing loudly, begging him to stay.
“Because nothing happened! You fucking liar!” He pushed her away. Hazel stumbled backwards but balanced herself by holding onto the doorframe.
“No, Ian… please, listen to me. I… I love you.” Hazel grabbed his hand, crying. He jerked his hand free from her grip.
“You don’t! If you have loved me, you wouldn’t have-”
“Hazel!” Will shook her to bring her back and she snapped her head up to look at him. There was a strange look in her eyes.
“I… uh… I want to take rest.” She stated quite nervously before running to her room.
