4 years ago...
Slap!
For the first time in 18 years my father hit me. I just stood there holding my cheek looking down with guilt and shame in my eyes as my heart was already broken to pieces.
"You wretched, disgusting girl! Is this why we raised you that you'd make us see such a day!" He yelled. His eyes were red and his entire body trembling with fury.
My Mumma and little sister were crying at a corner.
"How could you.....how could you forget your shame and ruin your family's name like that! Did you even sell your Iman!" He yelled slapping me again so hard that I fell on the floor. But it didn't hurt. I was too numb.... I deserved it.
It was my punishment for falling in love...for trusting someone and for selling my body and soul to the devil in the name of the love which he turned into a joke.
"I will kill you today. I no longer have an older daughter. You're dead to me....die you whore!"
The leather stinged on my skin, he loud noise echoing throughout the house....but it didn't hurt because the words of my father had already broken me inside out. He wanted me dead... I was a disgrace.... I no longer was thier loving daughter.... I was a whore who lost her chastity. I was an abomination to my parents.
Again and again the leather of his belt met my skin and my back. His leg kicked in my stomach but I just laid there like a lifeless doll, my body trembling at the impact of his hits.
I could hear my mother and sister sobbing but I couldn't look at them.... I was too ashamed.
His face....was all I could think of. His handsome face who I thought belonged to an Angel was actually a disguise for the devil himself. The promises he made, the way he smiled at me, his eyes that he always kept for me...it was all a lie. He was all a lie....a huge ugly lie!
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6 years ago
"M....mom.... please just...."
"Don't call me Mom with your filthy tongue. Someone like you can never be my son!" She cried.
I was trembling as I fell on my knees in front of her.
"Please.... Mom.... I'm sorry..... please.... don't say such things..... Mom... I'd die.... Mom...." I sobbed.
"You're dead to me. You're no longer my son! A rapist like you can never be my son! You beast...get away from my sight. I can't bear seeing you anymore!" She yelled with her voice trembling as she turned to leave with disgust and hatred in her eyes but I grabbed her feet to stop her.
"Mom....mom.... please... don't do this....mom...." I cried at her feet.
But she pushed me away and stormed out leave me on the ground not even giving me a single glance.
My Mom, who loved me the most in the entire world.... Who couldn't even see a single line on my forehead who always smiled for me and hugged me whenever I was in trouble....now, is disgusted with even my sight!
Why....why did it had to happen?!
Mom....mom don't leave me ... I'm sorry..... I didn't do anything.... I....she....
Mom please forgive me.... I'm so scared..... Mom...
"Madam, we have arranged a lawyer. No one can touch the young master." The secretary told Mom.
She sank in the sofa and cried in her hands.
"Why did he do it? That to....with my dear friend?! How will I ever face her now?! She loved him as her own son and this monster....
I can't believe I gave birth to such an abomination! And now I have to save him? He should be punished.... rot in jail for the rest of his life for his heinous sin....but I can't let that happen because the company will be affected."
She turned to me as I came out, with such hatred in her eyes that I died a thousand deaths.
"Be grateful your Father isn't here or he would've killed you by now.
Get away from my sight! Never show me your face again. Till we settle the matters here with the media and the police and with.....Ridhima. Go away!"
I was sent to US after that. Mom promised to never see my face again and at the age of 19 I was asked to live all alone, get my degrees and never even talk about returning home. Technically, I was kicked out.
If only, I wouldn't have gone there that night, if only I wouldn't have listened to her....
It's my fault.... yes, it's all my fault. Why couldn't I stop? Mom is right.... I'm a monster.
2 years I spent there all alone. Not once did Mom, Dad or anyone tried to contact me or even ask me if I was ok. I was just 19 and knew nothing much about the world apart from the warmth of my home and living in an entirely different country with different people.... I felt so lonely. I had always had things in my hands with just a word, I never had to do anything on my own. I was pampered like a prince till now but now I had to go to college alone, no family, no friends....
From that moment forward, I hated myself and I hated women. They disgusted me.
Just a mere touch might feel like I was burning. Whenever a woman approached me I pushed them away ...ran away from them, used harsh words. I despised them all.....
After 2 years of staying in solitude I heard that Mom had an heart attack. I immediately took a flight and went to see her. I was scared... I thought I might lose her but by Allah's grace....she was ok.
She was unconscious in the ICU that's why Dad allowed me to see her but even he didn't wanted to see me so he sent the message by a secretary.
I was happy that atleast I could see her. I sat beside her holding her hand in mine. She looked so fragile that it broke my heart.
"Kaif....my son... Kaif..." she was murmuring my name. I was so happy.
"Mom.... Mom I'm right here..." I sobbed in joy. She was calling for me....she still loved me.... Mom...my mom.... She was ok and she was waking up.
She slowly opened her eyes and I beamed happily wiping my tears with my sleeves. "Mom... I'm here. Your Kaif is here Mom."
She smiled as tears cascaded down the corner of her eyes I wiped them gently and kissed her hand.
"Kaif..." She whispered my name. I smiled ... I was so happy but then her smile disappeared.
"You! Why are you here....get out... don't touch me!" She said weakly...angrily.
"M...om?" I was confused and scared.
"Go away....go....aw....ay...you m... monster! You... rapist....go...." The monitor started beeping as her heart rate increased. My eyes widened at her words but I was more scared for her.
The doctor and nurses came rushing.
"Doc...doc...what happened to my mom?..mom!"
"Sir please leave....let us check..." He said.
"No... I won't leave mom!" I said sternly.
"Please sir you need to co—operate."
Someone grabbed me from behind and began dragging me out.
"No....no don't. Mo ....mom....let me go! Mom..."
"Kaif sir please....come out!"
"No....!" I didn't give up struggling.
I was dragged out eventually.
"Do you wish your mother to die!"
A hoarse voice froze me in place.
Mom...d....no! The bodyguard released me. I looked behind me and it was Dad. Tears found their way out again.
"Dad..." I went to hold him but he pushed me away.
"Go back to US. This is all your fault. You're mother's condition, our reputation....all this is your fault. If you don't want to cause any further damage...just leave and never come back. Just stay as if you're dead." He announced and went in to Mom.
I just stood there motionless. Stay as if I died ... it's all my fault right? Mom could die because of me....she hates me and.... dad too. Fine then.... won't it be better if I really just died and disappeared for good? Someone like me doesn't deserve to live anyways.
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The wind is cold. The waves of the ocean clashed up and sank down the rock beneath me by the high tides. The city lights sparkled in the dark night's waters.
Is the ocean deep enough to consume me? Will it wash away my sins? Is it wide enough to make them disappear?
Will it all be over? My pain... sufferings....will my family be satisfied? I'm dead to them anyways....might as well finish things for good.
I looked at my wrist which still had the traces of blood on them coming out of the deep wound. Mumma saw me cutting my wrist today....but she didn't stop me. Instead she walked out as if she didn't see anything.
They've already killed me in thier hearts... killing my body I'll be making things easier for them right?
Naila....you are a whore! That's what everyone thinks right? My family...my friends....Him! A whore is just a toy to play with and who cares if 1 toy breaks....there are many other. No one will care if I die....all they'll say is, "good riddance."
I looked up ahead at a distance. There was a tall silhoutte. Was it a man? He was standing at a similar dangerous spot as I was but I couldn't see his face...it was so dark.
Is he like me too? Does the world hate him too? Is he here to end it all too? Was he betrayed too? Tsk! Guess the world is cruel to everyone.
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If I jump now, everything will be over. Mom won't have to see me and won't fall ill, dad wouldn't have to worry about the company's reputation. Just another sorry excuse of a man will disappear...who cares right?
It will all be over....just one step and...
My eyes went ahead at a woman. She was standing on a similar rock as mine. She wasn't to tall but too slim and her hair flew with the wind. The shadows fell on her face so I couldn't see it clearly. But she seemed so sad and broken.
Is she like me too? Do her parents hate her too? Nah, it's just me. May no person face such a fate that their own parents start hating them. I hope that's not the case for her.
I looked away.... that's not my problem. Women.... themselves are a problem.
My eyes went in that direction again....but she had disappeared. What the.... where did she go? Did she? No way....
Suddenly I saw a duppatta floating in my direction in the water.
"Shit!" I screamed and without even thinking twice jumped in the cold water.
It was high tide and the water was merciless. It threw me back and forth and it was too difficult to swim but still..... I still swam forward. If I just give up everything will be over..... I'll disappear too....but....that girl. She seemed so sad...why was she sad....what happened to her? What was her reason to jump? I have to save her ...but why do I?
I found her. She was unconscious. I held my breath and reached her hand pulling her to me. I got her! I held her firmly to my body as I tried my best to swim again the tides with one hand but it was too difficult.
Allah....is this the end?
Then, as if a miracle, the waves slowed down and I swimmed to the shore. I dragged her with me with my remaining strength and laid back on the sand, I relaxed catching my breath.
The girl!
I immediately turned and crawled towards her. She was still unconscious. I brought my ear to her chest to check her heartbeat. She was alive but she wasn't breathing.
I pressed her stomach and water came out of her mouth. Damn! Her lungs are filled with water.
I pressed more and more desperately
"Wake up!"
She wasn't breathing still. My heart raced with fear. I pinched her nose and opened her mouth and bent giving her a CPR. I pressed her stomach again.
"Please.... please....wake up....hey..."
I didn't know why I was tearing up. No one was even around to help. I gave her mouth to mouth again, the touch of her lips on mine gave me shivers. It felt wrong to do this to a stranger girl too but.... I had no choice and finally she was coughing. I exhaled relived. She was ok! She opened her eyes and they met mine. I took a second to look at her....her lips and skin had gone pale but her eyes....they had such sadness in them that for a second I forgot everything about me. Her eyes closed again.
My vision blurred and my body felt heavy, I sank on the ground as everything went dark.
She was..... beautiful.
