Do you ever love someone that you ended up blind?. I do. Yes, my heart is blind because of love, and even worse, I’m deaf.
REAL DEAF.
Because of all the lies I’ve heard. “I love you” was my favorite. And, I ended up where I shouldn’t be.
Psychiatric Hospital and deaf.
Welcome to my miserable life.
…………..
I’m Blue Skylar as the sky is blue, so do—Nah, not my life. Absolutely. Life always has away, and it also has a way to take everything from you. But that’s the life lesson that made me who I am now.
Ever since I met that bastard, oh gosh, I swear I’ve already killed him and me a million times in my mind, in thirty different ways. One because of my stupidity, second because I can’t even tell the difference between being in love or a red flag.
If someone passes in front of me with all the marching band carrying a BIG RED FLAG with a write-down, “Blue, it just in front of your goddam eyes!” I still can’t tell—that’s the problem. You know, ignoring the signs is an excellent way to end up in the wrong destination.
Every time I go down memory lane, it’s never a delightful trip because of all the things I had to go through when it’s not even your mistake to begin with, or rather simply put, the only mistake I made was being a human—falling in love.
Being a young adult is never easy because that time is where you build your journey, many memories to create, and mistakes along the way. You want to try everything, find yourself and your purpose, and sometimes lose yourself in the journey. You have a goal that you want to achieve, being a happy and a better version of yourself not just for you but from the people who support and love you no matter what—friends and family.
But, I was stupid; as I said before, along the way, you are going to make a mistake, and yes, I do. Stupid for not trusting my instinct—stupid for not trusting myself. Up until now, I still blame it on myself, still hard on myself. All these years, I was still being hunt by memories and even in my dream. Those memories never let me go. OR am I the one that still holds into that memory? And also, it’s easy to blame everything, on everyone, or even yourself when you don’t want to face the fact that you’re not only lose everything but yourself at the end.
You were trying to move on, but you keep looking back, still leaving in the past, and you stop being honest with yourself. You keep reminiscing, not sure it’s either you missed something or miss someone. Maybe today you find yourself ok or even better, but tomorrow you could be the worst of yourself, and still, you’re silently hoping that tomorrow could be better than today. It’s mess up your mind and your life.
At one point, I even doubt myself and even believe that I was crazy. I leave everything that I dear so much, everything that I could achieve, and more just because someone has been trying to ruins my life when in fact, it’s ruining theirs too.
All the guilty feelings that linger in my heart and all the memories that haunt me every night. Those flashbacks always stay at the back of my head. Dream that I couldn’t dare to dream anymore, even I was scared of my own shadow.
You know, people always said that “time will heal everything.” Oh, that’s bullshit.
It’s never healed; we were just getting used to that pain. It’s like a scar, and scars tell a story.
It reminded me of the past of how one mistake and misunderstanding can lead to a miserable life. How it can turn one life to be so hopeless; is beyond saving.
But what I have is, NOW.
I’m just a twenty-one-year-old girl back then and a junior college majoring in liberal arts in a big city. I always had a love for writing and poems—always. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even finish my study attributable to being there—a psychiatrists hospital. I’ve been there more than two years.
They said if I’m getting better. I may go out early. Still, at that time, this is hope. Even though the truth is, I had already abandoned hope a long time ago. On the day I have admitted, I left many things behind, and hope is one of them.
But during those time, thinking of going out of there. It pokes something inside my heart.
Something that I longed for without realizing it. Something that I do hope for. I just want to go out from there and spend my life with people who love me and honestly care about me and built my life from there.
There’s nothing more than getting out of there and having my freedom back. I think that’s the only hope that I ever wanted—nothing more.
I remember the first thing I wanted to do the most after being released from there was; I want to go to the nearest beach and feel the cool breeze kiss my face and sip through my whole body. I want to be able to feel my hands touch the sand, walk barefoot on the sand. See the sunset on the horizon and maybe drink coconut water—Haha, I think that’s cool.
During those times I’ve been there, I don’t know if I dared to meet with my family. Mom and dad have always been good to me in my entire life. They’re everything. But to me, during my time there, I'm just a child who crushes their parents hoped. Little did I know, everything has changed—Everything.
I guess what I’ve missed the most during those times being there is freedom.
Freedom that I never thought I would lose someday.
Freedom that I never thought would cost a life.
Freedom that I never thought I really appreciate before.
Freedom that bastard took from me!
Memories.
Spring. Oak Tree. Home—2009
