"Are you going to be late again today?"
I ask as I hurry around the kitchen to make breakfast I know he won't as much as look at. I'm late but not too late to miss my most important meal of the day.
I usually make gourmet dishes because of my cooking classes. We're supposed to 'give our all' when cooking because 'every meal is a piece of art'. Nowadays I just cook gourmet because it takes time, I have a lot of that these days. Maybe also because it helps me think... or perhaps not think? The point is it's therapeutic and gets me through my days.
"Yea," I hear him say simply with his head still buried in something that's seemingly more interesting on his iPad.
Today I decided to do something not too fancy because again - I'm late. I guess I could've ordered but it's too late now to have that thought.
"Ok," I respond now sliding a plate of bacon and eggs towards him on the kitchen table then tilt my head slightly when I see him take a piece of bacon off the plate. That's certainly new.
I find myself smiling, and then,
"Can I bring you lunch today?"
It's worth a try, he seems to be in a different mood today, a better mood.
"Jess will be coming around so I'll be able to stop by."
I motivate. I miss bringing him lunch at the office, I know he used to like that too.
"No, it's fine. I'll ask Charlotte to get me something later."
I ignore my heartbreaking at that. Of course, Charlotte does everything for him.
I turn my back to him to not let him see the disappointment on my face as I pour orange juice into a glass but my heart breaks further when I hear him stand to gather his stuff I'm guessing to leave. I close my eyes slightly so the impact of my heart hitting the ground is not too detrimental.
But just as I accept our sad new reality, I sense him standing behind me. He turns me around slowly to kiss me on the forehead and I welcome the warmth of his proximity.
He whispers,
"I love you, Bella."
To me then soon makes his way out of our home to go to work.
He hasn't given up, not yet at least. That's more than enough reason to bring a smile to my face and my heart this morning. It gives me hope that my fight to save my marriage is maybe not as hopeless as I'd thought.
I then finish my breakfast after he leaves, wash the dirty dishes then soon make my way to work too.
I own a pet shop.
It's weirdly been a dream of mine for some time now, and my dear husband helped me bring it to life. And by helped I mean completely funded it and overlooked the whole construction and design of it. He somehow created not just my vision, but the things I didn't know I wanted at the time.
It's part store, part pet play area, part pet museum, and of course a pet daycare. The whole point of it was to create a whole community specifically for pets, of all kinds. But since pets usually have owners, we made it accommodating to humans too.
So in addition to everything else, it's also got a cute diner and a kiddies play area. I've got so many more plans for it but for now, I'm settling with it being the most popular spot in our above-average suburb in one of Cape Town's most distinguished neighborhoods.
No, I don't have any pets of my own, not anymore at least. We lost Billie to old age two years ago and we're not quite ready to move on from that, Billie was our child.
His death though was what pushed this project into play. It started as something I was distracting myself with when he'd died but soon it became something I looked forward to thinking about, something exciting, I'd been lacking those. I told my husband about it and well - here we are.
There are too many housewives in our area with pets that it was hardly surprising how quickly it got popular.
And like I said, I have a lot more plans for it but for now? I want to focus on fixing my marriage.
Olli and I have been together for a little over 9 years, and we've been married for 7.
He's my whole world and life without him is one I simply refuse to live.
We've been going through a rough patch for a while now, but things between us were tested a few weeks ago when we hit our rockiest rock yet. It's like our relationship was hanging on by a thread before but now we're just winging it. In the most hopeless sense of the word.
So hopeless we don't even fight anymore. Mom used to say that's when you should start panicking. Not fighting means there's not much care anymore.
It feels like we're trying to find the way back to our highway but we're stuck in a desert somewhere in the dark, and we've maybe even lost sight. Not to mention the lack of effort from one of us.
Point is, things have long changed with us.
We don't talk about what happened a few weeks ago, at least not outside of therapy as it's still a very sensitive topic. It's upsetting to the both of us so he doesn't bring it up and I don't either.
It hurts because it feels like I'm the only one who's holding on. Every day I feel him slipping further and further away from me.
Every unanswered phone call, every time he comes home a little later than the last, and every night he doesn't kiss me goodnight. I feel myself getting closer to losing him each day, to losing my best friend.
I wipe the lone tear that's now made it to my cheek after putting the car on park. I take a long breath before finally leaving my car.
I'm greeted by smiles from my lovely employees that I happily return then I'm soon in my office where my mind goes back to its ranting.
Despite our current circumstance, my husband is great. He's everything I've ever dreamt of and more. He would give up anything for me... he HAS given up a lot for me.
"Are you okay?" I hadn't even realized how lost in thought I was when Jessica made it to my office. I smile and nod like I've been doing for way too long now and I ignore the disbelief in her expression.
"You're early today..."
Jess is my neighbor's teenage daughter who's interning for me. She's also my closest friend, after my husband. She's nineteen years old but hardly acts like it.
"My classes finished early, and I thought you might want some help here."
She says bringing a smile to my face.
"Thanks, Jess. I wanted to go stop by Olli's office quickly if you don't mind."
I say and now she releases a smile of her own.
"You guys are like goals, of course, I don't mind."
We were.
I'm still yet to tell her and anyone else really that things haven't been great for a while.
A part of me feels like not telling anyone outside our marriage makes our problems nonexistent, like if no one else knows about it is it really happening? A part of me loves that people still see us as that perfect couple that everyone wished for.
Olli and Izzy, the literal perfection.
We're going to be that again soon, we're going to be ok. I have hope.
"You're the best Jess, love you tons."
I shout already making my way out of the office.
I know he basically said no to me stopping by today but I need to see him. I miss him.
I miss how happy he'd used to get every time I would stop by his work unannounced, I miss having lunches with him in his office. I miss how his colleagues always showered me with love...
"Izzy?.."
My mental rant is disturbed by a very familiar voice calling my name,
"Amanda, hi. Look at you..." I greet the girl as I go in for a hug, careful not to squeeze too tight as she's seemingly expecting.
"I haven't seen you in months. Where did you disappear to?"
Amanda is the wife of one of Olli's colleagues. We're not very close but we usually hang around each other whenever we're accompanying our husbands at the company's never-ending work functions. I haven't been to them in a while for reasons I do not wish at all to tell her. That is why,
"Oh, work's been crazy. I hardly ever get time to do anything at all these days."
I partly lie. Work HAS been crazy, but not so crazy for me to miss being there for my husband at his work functions. I used to look forward to those.
"Oh yes, you opened that pet shop. How's it going?"
We engage in small talk as we get into the elevator of the tall skyscraper that I haven't been in in what feels like forever. I notice quite a few changes have been made as we now walk on the ground floor of our husbands' workplace.
We say hello to a few people who are just as surprised as she was at seeing me. I try not to take it personally. It's been a while.
My husband is an accountant, a very great one at that. It wasn't always his dream but he wanted to be able to take care of us. He wanted to give us a life he'd always insisted I deserved. So he'd worked stupid hard to get where he is and I'm beyond proud of him.
It shows when I now walk by his office floor after saying goodbye to Amanda. I'm reminded of how lucky I am when I pass the group of people he manages because they look at me with so much respect, that it fills me with warmth.
I say my hellos and soon reach his big corner office that's got a blonde beauty sitting outside.
"Charlotte. Hello."
I'm a polite person, so polite I overlook the tiny skirt that barely covers her thighs underneath her desk. Or her gigantic breasts that are begging to be let go by the shirt that's clearly too small for her form. She could easily pass as an exotic dancer.
"Issa, we're not expecting you today. D'you have an appointment?" She asks flashing me a smile that tells me she's proud of her remark.
"It's Izzy. And no I don't have an appointment. Will you please tell my husband I'm here to see him?" I decide to maintain my politeness. I know what she's doing and I refuse to let her get to me. I'm in a good mood.
"Oh, you don't know, do you?"
My silence seems to answer her question because,
"He's in running to make partner, so he's been going to the head office in Stellenbosch. For about three weeks now."
