Quote of the chapter: We human are selfish creatures all we think about is us & happiness. But some people have to pay for being selfish. Some people pay by losing what they already have or by gaining what they never ask for."
I stood on the railing on the bridge here the life and death meets. Even if your one foot dangles in the air you are gone forever and that for eternity because this bridge is famous for the number of suicides committed here by people like me who are too scared to stay alive. You must be thinking why she is ending her life why she is standing on the final destination to her death. My answer is "Noah ".Let me tell you my sad life tale before I jump off this bridge to my death and before my soul take its final leave to God who created my destiny in this particular way.
I can't close my eyes and think of the good times because when I do my memories are plagued with the dark times. It's like happiness never came to my life and I never in my life smiled 'Sad "right but this is the sinister trust of my dark life.
It's all because of that one person that one person who took away my everything. My reason to live, my reason to smile and feel grateful for being born. In simple words my memories are plagued with Noah. To the world Noah was just a very rich and handsome guy. But behind the good guy mask to me he is reason of my doom. To me he is the monster who tore my soul apart and left me at death's mercy.
I have heard one thing one common thing "suicide is for weak. But ask the girl with suicidal thoughts! Ask the girl standing on the bridge of death. Well I am not weak because how can you think a person who has nothing left behind worth living for. How a person who saw her love ones taken away from her in front of her eyes as weak. Ask the girl who is left torn and defeated because simply now I don't want to have this life. I don't want to live and go through that torture anymore because I am broken beyond repair , my soul have been in enough miserable situations and the torture won't stop it will exceed its limit and how can one little girl take ?Tell me how much torture before she had enough and before she decided to end herself ? I don't want to live my life in fear and used as an object I don't want a golden cage but to fly like a free bird. I don't want to live every moment in fear I want freedom' the freedom' that only death can give me.
Because as long as I am alive I exclusively belong to Noah." Freedom "indeed such a beautiful word for which million and infinite number of people can sacrifice their everything. For freedom people put everything at stake no matter what the price is. And my freedom is my death because as long as I am alive Noah will never let me go. Never let me know what it feels to be free.
He entered my life with just a challenge but the impact of that challenge was too much. It was too costly. I feel helpless, I feel helpless like a doll, like a slave with her life never as hers. It's like I closed my cage doors by my own will and threw the key at the devil to free me whenever he feels like it.
The guilt and sadness I wasn't able to save all those people that mattered in my life, the people that I loved. Dying was never an option for me I was brave and I was smart. But I know my life has no meaning now and for the longer time I live the harder it will be for me to get out of the claws of the beast. Before I lose my sanity it's better to end my own life at least I will be able to reunite with the people I loved. Did you ones thought "Oh if I wasn't selfish that day I could have done this. I could have done that....".I thinks that every day and it breaks me— it breaks me to know I selfishly gave the monster myself and my – my everything Just to save my pride.
I know I was selfish, I know at that time what I did was out of ego and just to save myself from little embarrassment and now what happened I got in this bigger mess , Not mess but disaster . I want to scream, to cry, and to let that frustration out to ask God about the injustice done to me. I want to ask God '; couldn't my small mistake be repented in some other way? That just to teach me a small lesson you had to do so much injustice to me. There are so many people I want to meet. So many people I want to see again and just to know if they are in better place. So many people that I missed so badly all these times.
I want to die because My life was hell at least my hereafter won't be painful because I know I have paid for my every sin , every mistake in this life only . I am content with dying because I know I will be in better place. I will find the true meaning of happiness in the other world. The world where I am finally free from the barbaric monster and where God will deliver me justice with that I spread my arms and closed my eyes & smiled. I will see you in another life because now it's my time to leave.
