"Halle," I heard him call my name. Am I the only one who feels this way, every time he calls my name, I feel like my name has the best name in the world? There seems to be something tickling my chest every time he mentions it.
He has made a big difference in my life, ever since he came in and tried to build on the shortcomings I was looking for. He colored my lifeless life and took on vitality.
We are here now not far from the park, we were actually in the middle of the road when he called me on the phone. It was dark and no cars could be seen around. So you can feel the cold and silence around.
He called me earlier to meet because he wanted to tell me something. And, I have something to tell him too, so I quickly came here to see him. I'm happy to tell him that I already love him!
I looked at him with a smile on my face, even though I wanted to change the way he looked at me because there was nervousness and fear in his eyes... He took my hand and looked straight at me. I tried to smile and hide my anxiety.
Do I need to worry or at the beginning should I think about where and to what extent this relationship will end? His hands remain on mine, while I close my mouth and wait for what he will say next.
Tears welled up in my eyes when I saw him bow down, causing him to lose his gaze in my eyes.
"I'm sorry," he let out two words, but I feel like I'm going to explode caused by the tears I tried to hold back to disappear.
I want to hear more words from him, I want him to make me understand what he means by the word “sorry”. He's sorry because I'm here but not what he needs? Sorry because he didn't keep the agreements? Or maybe he's sorry because he can't love me during the times we're together?
Was I the only one who felt the fun those months? I snatched my hand away from him to wipe the tears running down both my cheeks. I forced a smile as I chased the tears that were escaping my eyes.
I wanted to stop my crying but I didn’t know-how. I want to show that I’m not hurt, I want to show that I’m not affected. I forced myself to calm down and spoke again.
"Why are you sorry?" I forced a smile to tell him. Pretending I don’t understand him, even though I already know in myself what he wants to convey. We already had finished.
"Halle," he mentioned my name again, if before it sounded especially good but now I feel every letter that comes out of his mouth sink into my chest.
When will I be happy?
"I tried," he whispered again, he took my hand again then touched my cheek. "I tried, believe it or not. I tried but I realized, she's still the one I love."
I couldn't speak anymore. It's funny to think that I dared to accept his offer, just to fill in the gaps I felt, even to help him get up, but it seems like I will never get up anymore.
Now, I feel like this is the end of my world, the world I have made. Where I feel he loved me too.
"I'm happy for you, for you. You lost this game, but I feel like I lost." In the game I entered, I had to prepare myself. I prepared myself to be hurt.
I just wanted to feel love, but why is that? It was just hinted at the short-term. He was here in front of me then to make me happy, but now he seems to be facing me because it's all over with us.
"I'll be fine," I lied again.
For the last time, I smiled at him, a smile I knew in myself was fake. I turned my back on him, I also didn't expect him to chase me.
I hurriedly left that place, I didn’t know where I was going, but I cried, even more, when I realized where I had run. The place where it all started. I still remember how we were toyed with by destiny a few times, like only yesterday.
I was on a swing, as usual, then I relived the memories that made me happy even for a moment.
"Could you love me?"
I still remember the word he uttered. Word he said to get me into this situation. His voice was still very clear at the times when he said those words that make me feel heavy now.
How is that, I already love you but she is still the one you love? I smiled slightly bitterly at what I said to myself. Why did you make me feel like I was the most important woman in your life, you showed how much fun it was to be with you?
I thought there were enough times we were together to turn the love I was hoping for but, I was wrong. It seems like I just loved and made myself happy.
I tried to stand up even though I was so weak, I want to run away from that place. As I run I think of those days we were together, I barely smiled to myself and peacefully looked at the oncoming vehicle, even though I wanted to dodge and save myself, but I didn’t have the strength to move my legs. I just chose to close my eyes, thinking about the memories I can bury in my destination.
I felt like my body was thrown on a cold road, even though it was bloody, I remained dilated. Even though the tears were flowing and my body could not move, I still observed the beauty of the stars.
During the time I was alone, this was what I always stared at, talked to, and leaned on.
Can I request? I want him to love me, as much as the love I give him. While looking at the stars there I saw the gradual formation of the image of the man who had just been with me, I do not know how I would feel now, even though I knew it was only my imagination.
Will I see him for the last time now? I looked at him as if he was the one I was staring at, "Why can't you love me back?" I asked the stars, even though I knew I would get no answer from it.
At that time I felt, I only sympathized with myself, I felt even more lonely than the shortcomings I had experienced before. If I die today, I wish you happiness and if I am given another chance, I will not hesitate to love you over and over again until you love me back too even if in return it is my misfortune.
After saying that my eyelids thrived heavier, but my spirit remained. The next thing I heard was a series of serenade sounds that echoed around and I was completely drawn into the darkness.
