It is certainly a great night for me. I'm here, unwinding in my favorite place. I just received my salary from Mrs Costa so I got the chance to buy liquor and drink it here, no worries about my hangover for i don't have work tomorrow.
Mrs. Costa, my employer closes her shop every Sundays. It is a sacred day for her. She always invites and advices us to go to church.
And every time she invites me i always make excuses just to decline her invitation like---
I'm not feeling well.
I have many task to do.
I have to visit a sick friend"
though I don't really have a friend.
.
And other useless reasons, it surprises me for she believed them all!
I just declined her invitation again and said-
" I'm sorry Mrs. Costa, I've been attending mass to the church where my mom attends."
"Oh! I'm glad to hear that!"
She replied happily.
I lied and I felt a little bit guilty. I don't even live with my mom. I just want her to stop inviting me. I've never been to church for my whole life. It's the least option for me since I grew up watching people coming in and out of the church but is living with a wicked and heartless personality... Just like my mom.
But Mrs. Costa is very different from those people. She's warm, soft and compassionate. She's the type of mother that I've been longing to have. Her son is so lucky to have her.
She has a son. But I've never met him. I heard he's living abroad. Her husband is an American missionary and is staying abroad.
She never gets tired of sending us messages every morning.
I remember one time, that was my first day at the coffee shop. I got a text message from an unknown number. It was a Bible verse. I ignored it, but i kept on receiving new bible verse messages every morning from that number so I decided to reply it with---
"who u?"
"Hi this is Mrs. Costa, I hope that this message helps you a lot to calm yourself and make you feel better and happier every morning" she replied.
Ahh it was her. From that day on, i felt at ease knowing that someone thinks about me every morning. Receiving messages like this every morning makes me feel that someone cares for me everyday.
I do same routine every time I got money - visiting this wide bridge. This is my favorite spot. I prefer coming here at night 10:00 pm onwards, during this hour, only few vehicle's were running at the highway.
I crossed at the hip level wall of the bridge by climbing it and sitted, I leaned at the wall facing the wide deep river below me. I'm not visible to the people walking around the sideways of the road so I'm safe from rapists, kidnappers and other scumbag creatures.
I got the stuff out inside my bag-an alcohol.
As I took a sip of it. I tasted its bitterness, I took another sip. Another. Another one. Until I've got used to its taste and begun to drink it like a water. I placed the empty one beside me and opened another bottle.
My eyes became heavy, which causes my vision blurry. I took one sip and leaned my heavy head facing the horizon. There was no moon, no stars, no plane crossing in the sky.
The bulb lights from the thousands of houses and streetlights were the only ones that gives light to the surroundings.
Despite of being sleepy, I remained my eyes wide open. The dark horizon seemed to form an image. An image of a person whom I never desired to see-my mom. I want to scream and shout to release my anger but I have no strength. I closed my eyes and shook my head for me to stop hallucinating.
I'm so tired. I just wish I could sleep and never to wake up again, That kind of life is better than waking up every morning with guilt.
I only got two bottles of liquor and i got it all emptied. I started to feel dizzy. The lights and the houses seemed to be dancing. I know I'm drunk, I forced to stand to go home but I lost my balance, i automatically stretched my hands hoping to grab something to prevent me from falling but i grabbed nothing.
Well. Wish granted. This is it! I'm gonna die.
But someone from my back grabbed my hand. I felt like everything was in "slowmo"
slow motion
. The way he grabbed my waist and carried me out of that danger zone. I failed to hear what he said I only saw his mouth opened.
He carried me like a toddler and placed in front of him. I was still in shock. I've got mix emotions and happiness reigns among them all. Well it's actually weird-being happy that I got saved after wishing to die.
I sat down helplessly on the road with my knees trembling. I leaned my back on the wall of the sidewalk to relax. This place's being occupied by just us and few cars passing.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt somewhere? Why are you drinking here?" he said as he knelt beside me.
I looked at him. He looks like a decent man. Wearing collared blouse.
"Why did you do that?"
"Huh?" he said with a surprised gesture trying to remember if he did something wrong.
"you should've let me fall." He looked at me with full of sympathy in his eyes.
And I don't like those kind of stares so I stood up, planning to go home but he grabbed my elbow.
"I'll take you home, it's not safe for you-"
"thanks but I can walk."
"I'm not a bad person-" he said reassuringly.
"I never said you're bad" i pulled my hand from him and started walking.
"Don't do it again!"
I stopped for a while upon hearing his voice from my back.
"Don't come here drinking again. It won't help you with your problems. I mean-we've all got problems and we have no choice but to face 'em."
I wanted to say " easy for you to say that because you're not on my shoe!" but i have no strength and I'm not in the mood to argue so I just nodded without facing him and moved forward.
I walked as fast as i can to make sure he won't follow me. I felt a little bit dizzy the effect of alcohol is still in me but I tried to walk normally. My apartment is nearby, it will only take me 15 minutes to walk. I walked till I got home.
I lay on my bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling.
What happened awhile back keeps on flashing through my head. It prevented me from sleeping.
What just happened made me realize one thing...
That I'm afraid to die.
And I don't want to die.
That the only one that I want to kill ain't me. But the loneliness inside me.
The guilt. The anger. The hatred. And the bad memories from my past that kept me chained. That's what stops me from moving on. From being happy.
The loud alarm clock beside my bed awoke me. The rays of the sun runs through the thin pair of curtains on my window, its light causes pain to my eyes and is giving me headache. I jumped out of bed heading to the bathroom with my eyes partly closed. The cold water that runs through my face somehow relieved my headache and relaxes my eyes. I raised my head up facing my reflection in the mirror.
"I'm alive again."
My phone beeped. I know it was Mrs. Costa again. I picked it up and read her message. It was a bible verse. " Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I'll give you rest - Mathew 11:28" I just nodded after reading this. How nice it is to have someone you can rest with whenever you're tired and weary.
Using blue jeans and oversized shirt-The only thing why I like oversized shirt is that it covers my fats, though I'm not that fat but I'm not that sexy either-I went out to do my routine every Sunday morning.
This time my mom would probably be at their church. She chooses to go to a church where many people go, well she isn't entering church to hear preaching - she goes there to display herself and to show others that she's godly, her big amount of donations in that church makes them convinced that she has a good heart - poor blind people that woman is a monster!
I finally arrived after a long walk. Seeing his face from a far makes me happy. I stepped closer to him. I knelt before him. He's smiling at me. I smiled back with teary eyes. I got some piece of tissue in my bag and wiped his picture for me to clearly see his smile.
" I miss you dad." I uttered softly.
I brought no flowers, I'm afraid mom will see it.
Mom doesn't want the idea of me visiting my dad's grave.
I left dad, there's also another place that I wanted to visit.
Walking along the street facing different people, different faces. Hearing voices using different languages, loud laughters, children crying, screaming and shouting.
It may hurt my ears but I love being in crowd, it made me feel that I'm not alone.
I remained standing in front of a restaurant full of customers it was 10 meters away from me.
Inside, there's a woman at mid 40's, busy serving food. She's gotten a lot older compared to how she looked like three years ago. I stepped forward and paused after having five steps, feeling hesitant whether to approach her or not.
She is smiling while facing her customer but that smile turned into frown when she saw me. We stared for a second then she turned back acting as if she never saw me.
I receded. Talking to her right now wouldn't make any sense. She's still angry at me. It broke my heart. I wanted to cry but I fought back my tears. It's so embarrassing to cry in public.
I just missed those times when everything was still fine. I would go help her cook, serve food in that restaurant after school, have a long chats with her, laughing with her and hugging her as if she's my real mother. And suddenly Jordan crossed my mind.
Does he hate me too? Just like her mother?
A running woman bumped on my right shoulder. I nearly fell but someone from my back holds both my shoulder so I was able to regain my balance. I can sense it's a man's hand.
"Thank you" I said without facing at him and continued walking.
