PROLOGUE
Wow, I hate myself so much.
I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING.
I THOUGHT I WAS SMART ENOUGH FOR THIS KIND OF THING.
I THOUGHT…
I THOUGHT SINCE IT WAS ME, I could handle everything alone…
But then again,
It was just me.
As I danced beyond the shallowness of the unknown, the shadows that had haunted me became a part of what feels like a rollercoaster ride that takes me on forever.
I wondered; this isn't life…
This is just hell.
I was always the confident one, the smart one, the idealist.
But why?
Why did I have to be like this?
Just because of a mistake…
Just because of my ignorance…
Because of my clouded judgment, I thought it was something I could keep up with and cope with.
Have you ever got into a situation where you feel like you're doing what you think is the best for you, only to be left with doubts and traumas?
The times you've spent wondering into endless pits turned into nightmares that you so badly wanted to escape from.
"Just stop thinking."
"You're overreacting again."
"You always think about it over and over again. That is why you can't move on!"
"It's because you are not listening to any of our advice which is also FOR you. That's why take a look at the result of you and your hardheadedness!"
I know…
For months, all I hear are the same things over and over again.
They must've thought I'm stupid. Well, I can't blame them. I've been having reckless decisions for months.
I know that... but I still chose the same decisions over and over again even if I knew what the outcome would be.
I am such an idiot.
For every hit,
Every slap,
Every beating,
Every blood,
All of it.
I remember it all too well.
And for all of those things I've felt;
I've experienced;
I've witnessed;
I've tolerated.
I thought it was love.
Love…
What is love?
I guess I wouldn't know.
How could I know when the person I thought loved me did this to me?
This pain,
These bruises,
This…
This life.
If I were to be reincarnated, I'd rather be a bubble that just pops anytime, anywhere. Forgetting that it exists. Living its life in color and beauty for just a second and then—poof! It's gone…
I just want to be gone… I want to vanish into thin air or go to a particular place where nobody knows me.
I—I'm tired of living…
I'm tired of trying to hold on from life that seems so unfair towards me...
I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine and that I'm doing great, but the truth is I'm not, and I just want them to know that I'm not okay, but how can I? How can I when I'm the sole reason why all of these things happened to me?
I'm just tired.
I…
I wish you were here.
"You brought your problems to yourself. It's only natural for those people who saw you at your darkest times to react like that. They don't want you to go through the same thing again, that's why." It's ironic, isn't it? How we found the comfort that we yearned for someone that we love in a stranger who shouldn't even be a part of our story.
It's like whenever I'm in distress, it is always you and your words that I always remember.
"Don't you think I know that?!" I may always argue with you and be angry for useless reasons. Still, you always remained chill and mature, making me feel like an absolute idiot.
"Iowa." The way you call my name…
"I know that, so please... stop... you don't have to say it twice. I get it. I am an idiot, indeed. I'm sorry! I'm sorry… just please, I'm tired..." As pools of tears traveled down my cheeks, it was you who swept them away.
Looking back, you were always there during those times where I needed someone the most.
You just know exactly what to say.
"If you think life's tiring, maybe it's because you're always running, why don't you try walking at your own pace sometimes?" The way you always remained calm even in dire situations…
When did it start, I wonder?
The first time that we met, I just saw you as an arrogant, cold-hearted guy.
May it be a coincidence or destiny. Your presence always made me feel at ease.
The way your stare always pierced right through me,
The way you occasionally smile, which is a scarce sight,
The way I hear your heartbeats every time you held me close into your arms,
"What if I made the same mistake again? I-I don't think I can—" Even when I feel like the most incapable and unworthy person in the whole world,
"Then I'll walk with you—" You're always there to reassure me about my worth and make me so I will gain back my confidence once again,
"—I'll walk with you and make sure you're not going to go through the same thing ever again."
Just like how I used to be.
When I felt like the whole world turned its back on me, it was you who never left my side.
And I wished I had recognized all of these feelings sooner...
It was past 11 o'clock when you suddenly called me to meet up in our usual place.
I already knew the reason why, but I still came.
As the chilly breeze brushed off my skin, I took a deep breath and felt this moment that would surely break me into thousands of pieces. Let's end this once and for all.
"S-she said yes." Right… I already expected this.
And with just those three words. In just those three words…
I felt my world scrambling down once again, like a ship that sank at the greatest depth of the ocean. My heart did so too.
"C-congrats! What did I tell you, huh? Trust the process and it will always pay off in the end. Well, it did end well for you, so with that, congratulations on graduating from being 'Mr.Bashful'!" With a cheerful voice, I tried to force on a smile.
I should be happy. I wanted this.
After all, this is just a fleeting feeling…
Right, this will not last forever.
I already expected this.
The moon lit up in a beautiful yellow-ish white, vibrant color that lightened up the city's darkness.
It's fascinating how a simple moonlight highlights the mesmerizing features of this man's being right in front of me.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I asked, pointing at the city lights.
"Before, whenever I look at them, all I could see are the bad memories, and I hated it. I hate how they kept on reminding me about certain things that I don't even want to remember. But then again... I grew to love them as time passed by; the things I've hated once became one of the
things I loved the most." I sentimentally stated as I tried to suppress the tears that were starting to form at the corner of my eyes.
As I looked at the fantastic scenery and felt the cold breeze that tingles up every part of my skin, I looked at him and plastered a genuine smile.
"I guess... It's thanks to you." I clenched my jaw and clutched my fist as I tried harder to keep my smile from falling, and so were my tears.
"Iowa–" Again, with that low and charming voice, like a piece of music to my ears, oh! How I'll miss this.
How unfair...
I'll surely miss this. I'll miss him and the way he keeps calling me by my second name in which no one else does.
"So, I guess this is goodbye?" I tried so hard to hide my disappointment, but the crack in my voice showed it all.
"Iowa—" He uttered, looking at my tender fragility, "look at me." How can I? When every time I look at you, all I see are the memories we both shared?
Right here at this apartment...
This rooftop...
This city...
"I-I can't," I said and watched my toes fiddle in anxiousness. "I think I'll cry." I bitterly laughed; he just stayed silent, but I could still feel him staring at me.
"But—but can you just hug me instead? Just for the last time." I asked, and in a swift of an eye, he pulled me closer to him and hugged me for like hours.
No one wants to let go.
No one wants to move an inch.
Like time stopped at that specific moment as we feel each other's warmth and care towards each other.
But I know that we both know that this isn't the reality for us both.
Someone has to let go.
Someone has to free the other.
Between the both of us, I will take the initiative to do so.
Don't worry about me, I'm used to it.
Someday, you'll thank me for leaving you.
And on that day, I hope… If we ever meet again in the future, I hope we'll just look at the events that happened now as a part of the million fragments of our past.
Slowly…
Carefully…
Emotionally…
I tried to let go of his arms that were wrapped around me as I reminisced everything that had happened.
"Thank you—for everything," I whispered under my breath, trying hard not to cry.
Not here. Not in front of him.
"Until then, Zack," I said and offered him my hands. I'm happy that I got to meet you.
"Until then, Iowa," he replied, sadness hinting in his voice as he shook my hands.
Take only the flowery path ahead of you, Zack. Thank you, it's your turn to be happy now.
And just like that, our story is over even before it started.
I could feel my tears streaming down my face as we parted ways.
If only I met you first…
If only I liked you first…
If I only had the guts to get out of my fantasy…
I guess it's me again…
It is I who always ruin things.
I want to look back, but I don't have the nerve to.
So just like this, I'll say goodbye to our memories.
You were always there when I needed comfort.
I was always there whenever you needed strength.
I would just definitely laugh whenever I remember all the epic moments that we both shared.
From the first time I met you, up to this. You know I'll never forget you.
Maybe we did love each other at some point,
But maybe...
Just maybe…
Fate wasn't ever meant for us.
Not now...
Not when we still can't let go of our past.
This is the reality that we have to face.
Maybe we're just soulmates who weren't meant to be.
But who knows?
Maybe at another life, at another time, in another space, when we'll be the ones meeting each other first and maybe fall for each other.
And when it comes, we will know for sure that it's us who will end up together.
Continue our love together,
live our life together.
Get married to each other,
have kids,
become loving parents,
see our daughter walk down the aisle, or our son cry as her bride walks down the aisle
become cool grandparents,
and die next to each other.
But not now.
Not now.
