I was once told to be happy you have to first accept yourself even if no one else does. Can we ever truly accept ourselves if no one else does? Where do people go when they don’t fit in anywhere?
I was thirteen when my story started.
The April breeze blows through the wide field. Goats call to each other as they graze the Alabama ground. I sit quietly on the grass away from the crowd back at my grandfathers house.
Little did I know it then but this would soon become my first bad memory in my teenage life.
My aunt Marissa was my best friend for as long as I could remember. She was young, only a few years older than me. I didn’t have friends at school. I was overweight and the kids weren’t very nice because I didn’t fit in much with them. Marissa was always there for me. I never needed friends when I had her.
I take a few deep breaths trying to process things slowly. Fighting back tears I skip small rocks across the dirt.
Diana, my great aunt walks down to sit next me.
“You know you can talk to me? I know we aren’t close but I’ll listen to you. I know what she-“ I cut her off not wanting her to see the tears forming around my eyes.
“I’m fine. I just want to be left alone.” I reply brushing her off.
“Why don’t you come up to the house and be with the rest of the family? Your mom is worried about you and she said you won’t talk to her.” She said calmly trying not to upset me
“Please just go away Diana. I just want to be alone.”
I got up and walked farther into the tall grass where I would be left alone.
How could she be gone? I had just seen her and she was okay. It wasn’t possible. I stopped fighting when I realized my cheeks were wet with tears. I began to cry. I cried in silence so much that I wasn’t able to catch my breath. They had to be lying because it couldn’t be real. Marissa was the only person in the world I had and she was gone?
I wiped my tears and cleaned myself up. That was it right? They were just lying to me. Marissa would come in at any minute and I’d feel stupid for even worrying. I guess it was what I had to tell myself so I could keep it together.
My parents spent all of their time at work. While I know it was because we needed the money it often left me and my younger sister Alexia alone. We were happy kids though. We had a small farm and we loved playing with the animals and running through the thin Alabama pines.
I stood up taking in a deep breath and headed back to my grandfathers house.
I enter the house through the back door so I could go unnoticed by the crowd on the porch and in the front living room. I head up the stairs to the attic where I can be alone. As I’m going up the stairs I stop when I hear my mother and grandfather talking in the kitchen. I turn around and sat on the bottom stair to listen.
My mother’s voice was cracking. She had obviously been crying.
“They diagnosed it as a heart attack.” My grandfather said to my mother as she whimpered
My head started to spin again. Reality started to set in. All of the food on the counter was brought by our family and friends. Everyone was crying and it became too real. I ran up the stairs quickly and sat in my small corner fort and cried for hours until I finally cried myself to sleep.
