Payne's POV.
“Why did you even bother going back here?” My own father slurred. I pursed my lips. He's drinking himself to death again.
I squeezed my eyes shut and close the door. I just got back from the hospital and I'm not in the mood to listen to his selfish sounds. I put my bag on the table and was about to head to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water when I felt a hard object hitting the back of my head.
The sound of clanking metal from the floor made my fist turn into a ball.
I can feel the hot liquid gushing out of me. I'm bleeding.
“You ungrateful brat. How dare you turn your back at me!” he blurted. I remained frozen in my position. This is so much. He is so much.
“You're a monster,” I snarled.
I flinched when I heard the sound of ramming glasses.
“What did you say?” he asked in the most loathing way he can. My jaw clenched. This is too much.
“I said you're a monster!” I screamed on the top of my lungs. I turned my body to look at him. His eyes are full of hatred and so are mine. “How can you just watch my sister suffer in fever! If it weren't for Zico, I wouldn't have known. She could have died!”
My father's eyes widened.
“I was in the factory working my ass and you have one job! One job, Dad. You were drinking yourself to death while my sister is crying in pain. She's just inside that room!” I pointed the door next to him. “Will it kill you to check your own daughter? She's sick! And I have to bring her in the hospital myself. I was at work. I was working and now I'm fired!” I cried.
How am I going to pay her bills? How?
I cupped my face. This is so much. Why do I have to experience all these? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
“It's your fault,” he said.
My heart clenched. Of course, it will always be my fault.
“Your mother died because of you! You ruined our family! You are the monster!” he yelled. I lifted my head to look at him. I couldn't see him clearly, but I can tell how much he hates me. He loathes me.
“D—Dad, we have to move on.”
“Move on? It's easier said than done,” He glares at me. “And it's easier for you because it's your fault,” he scoffs.
He walked past me and hit my shoulder. I lost my balance and fell, but I've become numb already.
I will never win an argument with him. He will always go back to the past and attack me. He's right. How can I call him a monster when I am a monster myself? I wiped my tears and cover the open wound on my head with my hand.
I beg my boss to forgive me. I told her that I just had to bring my sister to the hospital, but she has no heart. She even lectured me that if I'm going to be a babysitter, might as well leave my job and be one. Is it difficult to understand my situation?
If I could only make it up with my dad, everything would have been much better. But he's so selfish. He thinks he's the only one in pain. I am in pain too. I am in so much pain, but I chose to set it aside and make a living. I blame myself every day for my mother's death. I die every day, but it's not enough for him.
I am in pain too.
Life is all about pain. You can never be too happy. There will always be this one thing in your life that will make you less happy.
And I happen to be this one girl who has a lot of things that prevent me from being a happy person. I was bullied as a child. Students would always make fun of me and call me names. They think I'm pathetic just because my parents used to work in the school. There's nothing wrong about it, right? But they made me feel wronged.
Then I met this girl whom I treated as a sister. She was always there for me when I need her. She's the only person I can lean on inside the school. Not until I saw her spreading rumors about me to everybody.
She betrayed me. I thought she was real, but she was only using me for her academics.
I felt so abandoned. We were poor and there's nothing I can do about it. I felt like I was the most pitiful person ever. I thought it was an enough reason for me to be selfish.
But that caused my biggest regret!
It was a snowy night. I ran in the middle of the busy street and my mother was chasing after me. She wanted me to go back home, but I didn't want to. I wanted to escape my painful reality by going as far as possible from them.
Then the sound of crashing metals and glasses froze me. The people were gasping. The children were crying. The loud crowd became silent and the next thing I heard is a stranger calling for help. He said that a woman was hit with a car. I was so scared to look back because I know who could it be.
My mother!
She just wanted me to go back home. All she wanted was to help me, but I was so selfish to realize that.
I was so stupid that I... put my mother through this terrible accident.
I was just too... unforgivable.
From that moment on, I knew I would have to live in the shadows for the rest of my life. This horrible shadow.
No one could save me.
No one.
