I stopped outside the bedroom door, hesitating for just a second. Then slowly I raised a shaking hand and pushed the door open, silently praying that by some miracle he would be okay. The door swung open in slow motion and at the same time it filled the room with a loud creaking, ghost-like sound. Instantly the strong scent of blood filled my nose and I choked back the urge to turn and run from the room. My stomach turned thinking about whose blood it was that I smelled. I swallowed forcing my feet to move, to carry me into the room to meet a scene I knew would haunt me.
The moment I saw him, my heart launched off, crashing in my chest violently. I could hear it pounding in my ears and at any second, I felt as though my ribcage was going to crack open. Suddenly I could no longer stand there anymore - I couldn’t take it - and I ran to him collapsing at his side, cradling his head on my lap. Tears streaked down my face, falling unto his head.
My hand flew to my mouth in horror as I took in all the blood. It seemed to be oozing from every part of his body. I wanted to scream at him - to yell at him for doing this - for getting himself hurt protecting me.
Suddenly I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It didn’t make sense, Daren was gone and nothing made sense anymore. I yelled and screamed at the pain exploding inside me. It hurt so much. I just wanted it to stop, but I didn’t know how to make it all go away. My heart was on fire, aching and being twisted and ripped apart. I didn’t know how to deal with him being gone and all I could do was scream. Scream and scream and scream…
How could he leave me? How could he be so stupid and think that even for a second I would be okay without him? Daren had left me alone and with nothing. He was gone and I needed him. How could he do that to me? I loved him and he was gone. I would do anything for him so how could he leave me just like that?
He asked me to trust him and I had. He wanted my love and I gave him it whole heartedly without ever once second guessing him. When he asked me to marry him, I had agreed without thinking twice about it. I would have given him anything he wanted, all he had to do was live - stay alive and be with me. But he was gone. He didn’t fight. Had he held on a few seconds more and help would have come. How could he just leave me? Didn't he know that this would break me?
I woke up screaming and to the sound of my mom’s voice as she shook me. My face was wet with tears and as soon as I realized I was dreaming, I sealed my mouth shut sitting up on the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?” my mom asked rubbing the middle of my back - trying to comfort me - as she always would every morning I woke up screaming. It never worked, nothing could comfort me.
As always, I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk. It was too painful to talk about. Almost three weeks had passed since that night, and since then I hadn’t talked about it. Not talking was the only way I knew to survive. Not allowing myself to feel the over whelming ache was the only way I didn’t hang myself from the ceiling, or walk in front of a speeding truck, or take my dad’s hunting gun and blow a pretty hole through my head. All of these things, I'd spent hours upon hours thinking about, and I would have attempted them but somehow I had found a way to mask the pain. Now it was like hiding out in a part of my head that was dark and secluded. It was a place where I was too numb to feel anything. This was the way I survived, with a blanketing numb fog surrounding me.
My mom sighed squeezing my hand and I knew what her next words would be even before she spoke them, it was the same routine every morning. “Well if you need to talk, I’m here. Remember that, okay?” Silently I nodded. “Breakfast is done, come down when you’re ready.” Again I just nodded without saying anything.
I don’t remember getting ready for school, or even eating breakfast. In fact I’m not sure I had breakfast, but somehow I found myself standing in front of the school I was now going to. Just after Daren’s funeral, I had left Trinidad. I couldn’t live there with my aunt anymore. Everything in Trinidad reminded me of him. Everything there hurt me. My aunt must have seen this because after living with her for ten years she sent me back to my parents.
Without saying anything to anyone I made my way into the school and towards the boy’s lockers. When I reached the correct one and saw that its owner was no where around, I took off my bag and sat down in front of the locker, leaning back on its door. I then got out Daren’s iPod and as I stuck the white earphones into my ears, ‘Pieces’ by a band called ‘Red’ began playing. Leaning my head back on the locker door, I closed my eyes and let the song flow through me.
Not long after Derek - the owner of the locker - showed up. “Back for more I see,” he said and I opened my eyes to find him staring down at my face with an all knowing look plastered on his face. Derek's dad was a doctor at the local hospital. It put him in a position to successfully stock up on items for his private 'business'.
Without saying anything I stood up and then stepped back, putting a little space between us as I reached into my back pocket pulling out a handful of crumpled up cash. Derek took that as his cue and he stepped to me, closing the distance I’d put between us. His hand then circled around my waist and pulled my body to him as he bent his head down towards me.
Every part of me stiffened automatically. I didn’t like people touching me, my mom was the only exception - sometimes. His lips met mine and instantly guilt and shame flooded me and it wasn’t only because even though Daren was dead I still felt like I was cheating on him.
I felt him slip something small and hard into my back pocket and then he took the money from my hand. As soon as the transfer was complete I pulled away from him and began to walk away. I went directly to the girl’s toilet and the instant I shut and locked the door behind me I felt my body break apart and shatter.
I was suddenly on the floor dry heaving. My throat was closed up and I couldn’t breathe, air wouldn't enter my body. No matter how many times I sucked in air all I got were shallow breaths. I still felt the holes in me throbbing and vibrating with pure agony. Every part of me ached - every cell in my body was alive and pulsing with pain.
I pulled my feet up to my chest at the same time that I dug out what Derek had pushed into my back pocket. My hands fiddled with the small white plastic bag as I ripped it open to reveal a tiny clear morphine bottle. In the same second I dug into my bag and got out a syringe. I then yanked off the cap and pushed the needle into the bottle, filling the barrel with the liquid that would soon save me.
I was tired of pretending. I was exhausted and this was my salvation. The minute I felt it entering my bloodstream it was like I was in Heaven’s arms. I let the numbness take me over then. I wasn’t hurting or breaking anymore and only that mattered, nothing else.
