Three plants lined up in a row on my windowsill, framed by the butterfly curtains Caro had made. My science—fair experiment was going to test how well plants grew under harsh conditions. That meant depriving them of water, of sunlight. And I just couldn't do it. I was supposed to choose which plant would live and which one would die. It felt mean.
Now all the plants were the same size, and I had no idea how to explain that in my report.
Frowning, I tried to remember what the teacher had said, something about the difference between the result and the conclusion. I bit my lip. This was important. I'd told my teacher I wanted to be a nurse, and she hadn't laughed. She said I better learn science if I was going to be a nurse, so I wanted to get this right.
A crash came from outside, and the pencil fell out of my hand, clattering on the desk.
Caro had been painting her nails purple, but now she stopped halfway through. She put a finger to her mouth. Shhh. She pressed against the door, trying to listen to the conversation. She always got to listen, and I had to do my homework. I wanted to hear too.
More shouts came, but they were too muffled to understand. Georgia was out there, with the grownups. Ever since she had turned seventeen and started her secret job at night, she got to be out there when they were fighting. Georgia got to be in the living room and Caro got to listen at the door, but I was supposed to finish my science report. It wasn't fair.
The sound of someone getting slapped made me wince.
"I'm going out there," Caro said. Her face was as serious as I'd ever seen her. She didn't even look as scared as I felt. "Whatever happens, don't come out, okay?"
I nodded quickly. My stomach felt like it was tearing itself up inside. Besides, I didn't want to go out there anymore. Shouting was okay, but hitting hurt. A lot.
Caro stepped forward and gripped both sides of my face. It made me tense even though I knew she'd never hurt me. Her gaze was steady on mine, clear as a sunny day. "I'm serious. When I walk outta this room, you lock the door behind me. No matter what you hear, you don't come out. Promise me that."
I swallowed. "Okay. I promise."
She stood by the door another second. It got all quiet outside, the silence so loud I could hear it buzzing in my ears. Then she slipped into the dark hallway. I followed her to the door and turned the lock inside the knob. I knew it wouldn't really hold someone back, but usually no one came to our room. My heart thudded in my chest. I could feel its beat all the way out to my fingers and toes, like the way your whole body thumps when a car with loud music rolls by.
Caro wasn't here to stop me anymore, so I pressed my ear to the door. Couldn't hear anything, though. Maybe she had calmed everyone down. She did that for me too, holding me at night if I had bad dreams.
There was a voice again, but it wasn't shouting. Low, like from a man. Papa? Or the person who came to visit us? A door slammed. Maybe he was gone. We'd be okay again, I was sure of it. At least until he came back.
I opened the door to see. A shot rang out, so loud in my ears, like an explosion. It made me go cold and still. Frozen. I'd never heard a sound like that so close, never inside our house. Only sometimes I heard it far away, from another street, while Caro would rock me in bed. Then the sirens would come.
It was the sound of a gun.
"Caro," I shouted, running into the living room.
At first all I could see was chaos, like how you spin and spin and then throw up. Everything was blurry. There were men here, lots of them. Papa was here and men wearing suits. I didn't care about them. But then I saw Caro. She was okay! Relief let me breathe again.
She was leaning over something, kneeling on the ground. Thick brown hair was spread all around. I'd seen that hair brushed and brushed. Georgia had such pretty hair. Dark red liquid was matting the strands, pressing it close to her head like clay.
I stepped forward. "Caro?"
She only cried harder, and I knew. I felt pain, harder than any slap I'd ever gotten. "Georgia?" I whispered.
My oldest sister didn't move. She lay on the floor with her eyes closed and Caro crying over her. I stood on the other side of the room, but it felt even farther away. On the other side of the planet.
All I heard was the shot, so loud, ringing in my head like a bell. One man stepped right in front of me. He was smiling as if he'd just found something great, but I didn't trust that smile. I didn't like it.
He bent down on one knee, at eye level. "What's your name?" he asked.
Caro! Georgia! I wanted to run to them. I should be with my sisters, but I couldn't move. Especially when the man put his fingers under my chin. His eyes were cold and gray, like silver. His mouth moved, and I saw him speak more than heard him.
"I know your mother's preference for geography," he murmured. "Georgia. Carolina. So what's your name, little one? Texas? Montana?" When I didn't answer, he laughed. "It's okay. You'll tell me eventually."
The ringing cleared from my head, leaving only my teacher's voice. Results are what happened. The conclusion is what it means. I knew then that my sister Georgia was dead. And it meant nothing would be okay ever again.
