Exhaustion weighed me down, my muscles felt like they were made of lead as I sank into the mattress. I didn’t want to move ever again.
The familiar soft fabric of Korean linen felt like silk against my skin. I stared up at the suite’s ceiling, looking murky under the weird, muddy light. Like quicksand, the sheets dissolved under me. I sank inside slowly as the world warped, ever-so-slightly, with everything around me turning to thick liquid. It cradled my head, arms, back, and legs gently. I closed my eyes as I felt my face dip below the sheets, ready to accept the void that was waiting to embrace me.
RING!
I shot up in bed with my eyes wide open and a cold sheen of sweat on my forehead. My heart was beating in my throat so fast that I thought I’d choke on it. The sunlight poured into my eyes, nearly blinding me and making me dizzy.
I really thought I was back in Korea. Back to the night where Cristo and I…
Ugh.
My mind throbbed against my skull painfully and I groaned. Did I have too much to drink last night?
I froze. The memories hit me like a wrecking ball and I slowly turned my head to the side. The sight made my heart plop right into my stomach.
Marcus lay there. Shirtless. I looked down at myself. I was still in my pyjamas but some of the buttons were undone. Lifting my comforter cautiously, I breathed a sigh of relief. We were both still clothed.
Sex with Marcus was the last thing I needed. Hell, it wasn’t even on the list! But I remember us making out and me downing shots because–fucking hell–his kisses were just…so boring. And I just needed to feel something, anything for Marcus and not…
Not Cristo.
I groaned and stood up, a wave of nausea crashing through my stomach like a wave. All I could think about was Cristo when it should’ve been Marcus. Hell, it just didn’t make any sense. I barely knew the man! And Marcus was a nice guy. We got along well and we had some of the same interests. I just…couldn’t seem to like him romantically, even though we would’ve been perfect together otherwise. A nice quiet couple.
How did we even get to this point anyway? Did I kiss him first? Did he? Were we both drunk? My head was still pounding and I realized I felt filthy. Getting up as quietly as I could, I grabbed some clothes and locked myself inside the bathroom, breathing deeply. Deciding to not think any more on what happened, I turned on the shower.
Marcus was awake by the time I got out, perched on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.
“Hungover?” I asked softly.
“No shit…” he groaned. I backed away slightly, not liking how he’d said it. Was he…angry?
Marcus must’ve caught onto my silence. He turned around quickly with concern. The look on my face made him seem instantly regretful.
“Sorry, I…uh,” he sighed and shook his head, “This headache’s killing me, is all.”
“I’ll make us some breakfast.” I nodded dismissively to give him the benefit of the doubt, “How about you wash up. There’s extra toothbrushes in the cabinet.”
He nodded and I left the room promptly. It wasn’t difficult to admit to myself that I was finding whatever opportunity I could to keep him at arm’s length. It wasn’t working too well, though. I was bitter towards Cristo, too. Ever since we…spent that night, he’d plagued my mind every now and then throughout the rest of the trip. I just wanted a few days away from both of them.
Was I using Marcus by inviting him to the wedding? Perhaps. In all honesty, I didn’t know how I’d face Cristo otherwise. I was panicking about this wedding more than I was panicking over the shift in dynamics between Marcus and I.
The kitchen was a mess from last night, and I simply dropped all the dirty dishes into the sink before getting to work while munching on some bread. Holly woke up and gave a small bark from the living room.
“Your food’s right here, baby.” I called out to her as I cracked some eggs and began whisking until my eyes started to sting from dryness. My brain felt like it would pop out of my skull and I groaned. I couldn’t understand what the hell was in those drinks last night that gave me a hangover this bad. I rushed around the house to pull the curtains together. The dimness helped my head considerably, and I was able to spot Holly wagging her tail across the room. I quickly walked over to fill her bowl and head back to the kitchen.
Marcus walked in as the bacon sizzled in the pan, stretching his arms out with a large yawn. Holly barked at him mid-bite but I shushed her.
“We had a good sleep, don’t you think?” he sighed as sat at the island behind me.
“Head hurts like a bitch.” I confessed, finally remembering to reach for the Advil as I plated our food, “Is your head okay?”
“Yeah, I’m all right.” He nodded and dug in, “I didn’t drink as much as I thought.”
“Can’t say the same,” I sighed, “because I barely remember anything from last night.”
“Hmm…”
He didn’t sound too pleased. I ignored it and picked up my food, sitting right across from him. We ate in silence for a bit. He looked so carefree and unbothered and yet something was…tense in the air. Or maybe it was just me. I wasn’t sure. Perhaps I should–
“I asked you not to come to pick me up from the airport.”
Marcus froze, looking at me with wide eyes, cautious and confused. Holly herself stopped eating and raised her head to look at me.
Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? I groaned internally, already regretting having said that. It just…blurted out on its own! I didn’t realize I thought out loud so impulsively until it was too late.
“I mean…” he started chewing again, “you’d come back from a long trip. I thought you’d appreciate some help.”
“I appreciate having my space when I ask for it.” I explained gently, “I’m just…not used to all…all this yet.”
“What? Being looked after?”
I fought my face hard to keep it straight and I kept my eyes away from the food that I cooked. I knew right there and then this was going to turn into a fight, and I really couldn’t afford to have one in my house that’s never had so much as a wall shake from a slamming door.
“I need time, Marcus.” My voice was firmer than I realized, “I’m not sure about anything just yet.”
Marcus sighed and straightened up, putting down his knife gently. “It’s not like you’re seeing anyone else, are you?”
“What do you mean?” I edged dangerously on defensive mode.
“I said what I said.” He shrugged, “You’re not seeing anyone so I don’t see what’s stopping this from this–” he wagged his fork between us, “from happening.”
“There’s nothing happening between us.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and laughed, “That’s not what it seemed like last night.”
“It was just a kiss.”
“Now I feel used.”
“Which is why I said I need time.”
“Lilith,” he groaned in exasperation and rubbed the bridge of his nose, “all right, look. I…I like you. A lot. And I really can’t help it for some reason. I was hoping to say this under more…romantic circumstances, to be honest.”
Holly whined softly and crawled away into the hall, sensing the conflict that I did.
“I’m not sure how I feel about you.” I sounded so…monotonous and robotic. It was like my body had frozen up inside and I was…dead. And in it’s own weird way, it felt strange and I felt sad. Marcus was a good friend. We had great conversations. I didn’t want to put us in a position where we could lose each other. But something about the way he was talking, it just put me off.
He looked undeniably and understandably upset.
“I guess…that’s not anyone’s fault.” He sighed, “I wish you’d told me to stop when I’d kissed you.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied still cold, “and you’re right. I really should have.”
He sat silently, eyes downcast. Empty. Wordlessly, he got up and threw away the little leftover food in the trash. I flinched, knowing I could’ve finished that off later in the day. At least he washed the plate, though.
I stayed seated and finished my meal quietly as he left the kitchen. Five minutes later, he had his shoes on and stuff gathered. I walked him to the door and opened it for him. The awkwardness was killing me and I couldn’t wait for him to be gone. But I was also upset. Things had changed so quickly between us. He was the first person I’d connected with mentally in so long. Perhaps, the first time at all.
Pausing at the open door, Marcus turned to me with anxious eyes. It hurt my heart. I already missed him. Or maybe it was all the nice memories we’d made before…whatever this was that was happening.
“Did I…come off too strong?” his voice was barely a murmur.
I breathed deeply, and it sounded as sad as he looked, “I don’t know.”
“You’re upset.”
I looked down and nodded. I hated feeling so confused. And I hated this looming feeling of a premonition where I knew I would lose him very soon.
“It’s just that,” my voice softly trembled against my own will, “you were my first friend in such a long time. Maybe my only real friend. I can’t connect with anyone else the way I do with you. I feel like…”
He gasped, “Lilith.”
A tear slipped down my cheek against my will and I almost turned away, had he not swooped in and held me in his arms. I couldn’t help it. The waterworks were beyond my control.
“I…I’m so sorry.” I whispered.
“Gosh, no!” he groaned softly, “I’m sorry. I’m the one who fucked this up. I made the first move each time.”
“I really wish I could feel romantically for you,” I confessed, “I really do but…”
“I’m rushing it.” He rubbed my back comfortingly, “I admit, this is all on me and I’m so sorry. I guess…there’s still a lot to know about each other, right?”
He pulled me away by my shoulders and looked at me, “We’re not that close yet to consider anything of the sort, don’t you think?”
I nodded, wiping at my teary eyes and sniffling. I looked down at his chest as he pulled me in again, resting his cheek atop my head. I was so glad that he’d figured this out for me a little bit. Everything was too soon. It was all too soon.
Marcus smiled at me and turned around, looking down to pet Holly’s head who had come to stand beside me. She took it graciously and licked his hand.
Watching him walk down the hall, shoulders loosened and relieved…I felt so guilty about sleeping with Cristo. Not because of Marcus, but because of myself. I don’t let people in that easily and yet I’d let Cristo into me. And…into me.
Jesus Christ… I thought agonizingly and shut the door.
