Every night when I’m about to get ready to bed after a very long night it hits me again the anxiety, the memories from my past disturbing my time to rest it’s unbearable. Tonight I’m thinking about Jonathan and about what if? What if I would’ve have moved to live to NY to study for college maybe we would be together and I would have also accomplished one of my dreams to study in a great and important university. But as always things did not go how I wanted it I was to coward and scare to take the step to go there to live by my own without my family. I remember the first time I saw Jonathan I was 15 years old as soon as I saw him I knew somehow that we had to know each other. It was a Sunday at my aunt church he enter late it turns out he played the drums at that time because years after he would play the congos. After the cult was over he came to me
—————-
Jonathan:hi my name it’s Jonathan I’m president of the youth I saw that you’re new here so I wanted to come and introduce myself. What’s your name?
Amelia: Hi my name it’s Amelia nice to meet you.
Jonathan: how old are you? Are you just visiting?
Amelia: I’m 15 years old and yes I’m just visiting my family.
Jonathan: wow you look a lot older!
Amelia: why do you say that? How old did you thought I was?
Jonathan: I thought you were like 18 years old.
Amelia: oh ... yes you're not the first person to say that.
——————
So it turns out he was older than me by 7 years. He was so handsome with light brown eyes, skin like pearl and light brown hair almost blonde. He’s face was sharp. In that small conversation I felt so attractive to him. I kinda knew he felt the same way somehow. You see every summer I got so excited to go visit my family because I knew I got to see him again. The years passed by and it wasn’t till I was 17 years old that we started talking for real. True to be told he always started the conversations.
——————
Jonathan: hey here’s my number give me your so we can keep talking? I heard from your aunt that you were moving here?
Amelia: yes that’s what I’m planning at least.
——————
That night we exchanged numbers at 12am I got a call from a unknown number it was so strange still I pick up the call and nobody spoke it was strange. The next day I receive his call and we spoke on the phone all night. He used to call me “princess” and “love” it felt so special we got to know each other better. The problem on my mind at that time was that if I move I’ll have to leave my brother and my mom. They are my closest family and the one's I would give my life for I know we’re not a perfect family and we fight a lot still they are my everything. Second Jonathan was very religious and it turns out he doesn’t accept gays or lesbian and I’m a believer of God though I don’t follow a particular religion so my opinion in this topic it’s very open and I accept them because I consider it something natural at the end of the day. So here is the issue my mom and my brother are gay so you see I knew sadly that this was one reason that I wouldn’t have worked because if you want to be with me you have to accept my family. This was one of the things that bother me a lot also my mom knew I was getting to know Jonathan and she did not approve started saying I wanted to leave the house and move away to live with a men. That really made me so angry like since I was 13 years old I wanted to move to NY it was my dream and now because of him she thought that about me. The more Jonathan and I got to know each other the more I knew in my mind it was not gonna work though my heart wanted it to. You see went I broke it off he acted as if it dint matter maybe because he knew I was not the one for him....
I still think of him and what could it have been if I would have moved to NY to study. Would we have been married?. At the end I dint move because my mom dint support my decision and I got cold feet’s. How could a 18 years old graduate from school to go live alone in NY with out a job, money and a car so I gave up before even trying I really regret it sometimes. If my mom would have been more supportive I know I would have done it....
I can’t contain myself I called Jonathan to listen to his voice and yes I still have his number...
Ring, Ring
No answer. He sent a text message a few minutes ago and said he could not answer because he was with his family. I don’t even know why I call him. I’m 21 years old and already have someone in my life why did I just did that?. I always felt Jonathan was ashamed of me because he didn’t want his family to know that we talked together like even after all this years of friendship yet another reason why it could have not worked. God! I have to get up tomorrow at 4am and it’s already 11pm why am I wasting my time thinking about this?
——————
So finally I sleep got up and I’m getting myself ready to work. My hair it’s brown and long, also I got dark brown eyes, pearl skin and I’m petite. I don’t consider myself the most beautiful my self esteems it’s really low to be honest. I’m so tired all the time I got two part-time jobs and five clases at college. I feel drained mentally, emotionally and physically I literally got no life to enjoy at all. At work there’s Jake the typical joker co-worker
——————
Jake: Good morning Amelia you look so happy today to see me?!
Amelia: morning how could I not be happy when your my favorite co-worker
yes I’m been sarcastic
Jake: you just know how to get to my heart. So today it’s slow so you have to get the merchandise out and organized it in the display.
Amelia:okey then
Sometimes I love my job and also sometimes I also hate it. Some people can be the worst customers ever. Like people can really be so rude that it just doesn’t stop to amaze me at all. Anyway time flew by thank God.
I forgot to text “Good morning” to my boyfriend. William is super tall, cinnamon skin, hazel eyes mostly gray and green between this two colors and dark brown hair. He got the semblance of a bear that makes him look real handsome and sexy. He is to perfect and wonderful true to be told I’m waiting for the worst to come I don’t know if I’m been negative but to much perfection worries me a lot. He’s always making sure I’m okay, listen to me, gives me romantic surprises and always helps me in everything he can. His my first official boyfriend and we been together already a full year. In our first Christmas together he got me this beautiful and expensive necklace it was just so perfect and the diamond was blue one of my favorite colors. No men haves ever treated me like him ever. Though not everything it’s so perfect with him because I’ve noticed his kinda domineering and things have to be done his way and he believes he knows everything about everything. Sometimes this behavior can be a little annoying for me. Still I worry I’m not worthy of him and that I loose him to someone better than me. I still remember our first date....
