I remember my first time to the amusement park. My dad took me. I was six and I was wearing a knee length baby blue dress, with flowery lace at the bottom. I had my hair in two high ponytails and I had my favourite red shoes on. I remember it because the dress was new and a present from my favourite aunt. Well, she was my only aunt. Nevertheless, I remember that day like it was yesterday. My dad promised me to take me to ride the ponies. I did ride the ponies, twice…
That's all that I want to remember. The happiest day of my life. But it also was the saddest and tragic. Because what happened that night, after I had lasagne for dinner, after mom took me to bed, was, is and will forever be the night that everything changed.
Present
- In 3 days will be twenty years. Am I right? Eve said with a monotone, flat voice. Like she was asking about how sunny will be tomorrow, not about the memory of evil. I hated that about psychiatrists. The guard on every word. Like you are a ticking bomb and God knows what will trigger you off and send you spiralling.
-Yes. I looked away slightly afraid of what she will ask.
-Are the nightmares more vividly as the day comes? I swallowed hard the bile that was trying to rise. I forced myself to look at her.
-Yes.
-Understandable. We know already your pattern. So, how about we do something different this year. I raised an eyebrow surprised. Was not expecting that.
-Like what?
-Well, for start try to avoid any kind of alcohol or drugs or anything that will "numb" you. I looked away again embarrassed. I felt my cheeks getting hotter and hotter. God please help me.
-And? I ushered her to tell me.
-I was thinking… That it might help your healing process if you would try to visit your hometown. And your parents and aunts grave. I blanched. Not this again. My hands started to shake in my lap and I quickly clenched them into fists trying to control the trembling. My teeth smashed together making my jaw ache.
-I can't. I stated firmly. Eve smiled a little.
-Was expecting that.
-Then why do you push the matter if you already know what I'll say? My tone was a little accusatory. Eve's smile widened. I blinked incredulous.
-Because that is my job? To push you to heal.
-I am not ready.
-Tabitha, dear one, you will never be. It's like a bandaid. The faster you get it over with the faster you can heal completely.
-No. I can't. Only the thought sends me hyperventilating.
-Hm… Then how about a town nearby your hometown? Baby steps? Take a brake, a small vacation. Choose a town neighbour to your hometown and go there.
-And do what? I was almost barking at her. But I knew deeply down that I was not angry at her, but at myself. I was so weak. I just wanted to hide in my studio.
-Well, how about some nature paintings. I am sure you can find a couple of inspiring spots.
-I don't do nature, only portraits. My tone was so clipped I stated to wonder if I seemed robotic.
-As I've heard there are no limits in art. You could try dear.
I sight heavily. I guess I could try. But, does it have to be a neighbour town?
-Three towns. And I'll go. It's to close…. A neighbour one. I bargained with her. I was really messed up in the head.
-Ok. Three shall be then. Then I will schedule our next appointment when you will be ready. I'll wait for your call.
-How long should I stay there? Eve smiled patient at me.
-For as long as you want and for as long you can. There are no rules. Call me if you need any kind of…help.
I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans, was I really doing this? Or I was bluffing? I wanted to, I wanted to get better. Was this the way? Exposure to the memories? Weren't my nightmares vivid enough?
I walked like in a trance back to my car. I was ok. Not better. But… manageable. Couldn't I be satisfied with that? No. I deserve to be at least a bit happy. I was turning 27 in a couple of months. I was healthy…physically at least, except the lack of sleep. I should be enjoying life, befriend all the crazy people, make stupid choices, travel the world. Find true love, have a family, have kids. I swallow hard. I couldn't take care of myself and I wanted kids. Must be my inner clock or something. Who was I kidding? I was not ready for a normal, basic, mundane life. I needed to be stable mentally, strong enough to face all my past. Strong enough to go to sleep with out any medication. I gripped the steering wheel until my fingers were white.
"Just like a bandaid. Just do it. Face it. You can do it. Come on Tabitha. No big deal. A vacation. Yea."
With new forces found and motivation I speed through traffic back to my studio. I was going to leave. I was going to do this. I freaking lost it for good. I was scared shitless but I was still going.
10 hours later
It is 3 a.m. I am in the middle of the road staring at my car whit disbelief. The stupid car broke down. Now. In the middle of the forest, in the middle of the night, with no help anywhere near me. I get back in the car, because it's cold outside and it's not like I can fix it. I knew nothing about cars. I let my head on the headrest and try not to cry. I look back at the bord. And that is the moment I realize that my fears won't kill me, because my stupidity will. I was out of gas. How stupid could I be? In my freaking hurry to get this done I forgot to fill the tank. I remember clearly the annoying bip-bip an hour ago. The alarm which clearly warned me that I have to refill the tank. And what did I do? Oh, I tell what I did. I passed by the next gas station. I forgot. Oh my God, I was stupid. I wanted to shout as loud as I could at myself.
Suddenly I was feeling exhausted. I didn't thought this thru at all. How could this happen, I was very responsible usually. It was getting colder by the minute and the only source of light that I had was the cell phones flashlight. There were approximately 3 miles till the next town. I remember it was a small one. Maybe I could walk there? Find a gas station and return with a canister?
At this hour guaranteed everything was closed. And I don't have the cash to tow the car. Not to mention how embarrassing would be to explain why I needed a tow truck. Looks like I remain with only one option. Walking shall be.
After 20 minutes of walking with my phone clutched in my hands following the side of the road because that was the only thing that I could see, I started to wonder if the phone battery will last that long. I was so scared. I could be murdered here and nobody would find me….or even hear me. Oh my Gog. I was going to die here.
At that very moment I heard something. Was that an engine of some kind? It was a car. It was a freaking car and it was coming this way. Oh my God, I was saved. Someone was coming my way. But who would drive at this hour at the night? Except for this crazy lady.
What were the chances that the driver would be a good man, or a bad man, or woman? I was spiralling.
"Focus Tabitha, please"
Well it's not like I have other choice but to trust that the person who was heading my direction will help me.
While I was still deciding if I should stay on the road and wait for the car or hide in the woods, two pair of lights appeared in my vision. Oh god it was a truck. Serial killers were driving trucks. You know? To hide the bodies and stuff.
I was literally in the middle of the road and the truck was coming closer and closer by the second. And then, the truck was right in front of me. The tires screeched loudly into a stop. I didn't even realise I was holding my breath until I heard the trucks door open.
-Hey, lady are you alright? He was an old man, short and a little chubby. As I took in everything I've decided that I was safe. This man seemed trustworthy. His truck was loaded with wood. He probably was a ranger for the forest surrounding me. The jacket seemed to be some kind of uniform.
-Ma'am are you ok? What are you doing in the middle of the road at this hour of the night? He asked me as he shut his trucks door. The sound of the slamming door woke me up and I seem to find my tongue again.
-Sir, I am trying to get to the nearest gas station. My car is half a mile down the road. Unfortunately I am out of gas. As I was admitting to my mistake out loud to this stranger my cheeks got hotter and redder with embarrassment. He looked at me for a long silent moment, blinked and then he started laughing. Full on belly laugh. I was going to die from humiliation. He clenched the side mirror, holding on trying to breathe. Well, at least he wasn't killing me.
- I am so sorry, believe me, I'm not laughing at you, it's just the situation. You see, my late wife found herself in this kind a situation a lot. She would always scold me for not taking care of the car. She used to say:" Thomas dear, do you see my shoes? Do you really think I would step in a gas station? Hell no." And he started laughing again. I must say, he was cracking up like he was at a stand-up comedy show, not the middle of the night in a forest. Like he had no care in the world. I smiled politely at him.
-It was negligence in my case. I fill my tank usually. It's a first for me.
-I sure hope you do. Being a beautiful young woman, at night, alone is not recommended. He kindly smiled. I returned the smile, genuine this time. He was like a grandpa. Or, at least how I imagined a grandpa would be.
-Let's not forget the forest. I added.
-Yes. Let's not. Well, I'm glad I was the one to find you and not some bear. I froze.
-Bears? My voice was a little higher. He looked at me, analysing.
-Wildlife in the forest is not uncommon. Especially so deep in the mountains. You should have stayed in the car.
-Ya… I should have.
-So, I am calling my boss to tell him the situation. Let him know were I am, and I will stay with you until he comes with some gas for your car. Hop on. Let's go to your car.
-Is it necessary to call him? I mean… Do we really need to spread the word about my situation. I am sure that in small towns by morning everyone will laugh at me. Can't you…just take me to the gas station and bring me back to my car? Oh, please God, I don't want to go thru this humiliation again. Mr. Thomas stared at me with understanding.
-He is at the gas station and is coming this way. So no point in wasting time and gas. Don't worry he's a nice fella. I swallowed hard. I guess he was right.
As we were driving to my car, mr. Thomas took out his phone out from the doors side pocket . I mean o brick phone. A satellite phone. Or a station of some kind. No cell reception in the woods. He pressed a side button and the thing came to life.
-Hey boss, do you hear me? After a couple seconds a rumbling deep voice came from the brick.
-Clear Thomas.
-I stumbled upon a situation here on road R405. Halfway.
-What is it? I'm still at the station, almost finished with the tires.
-Don't leave yet. Bring two canisters of gas with you.
-What the fuck for? Didn't you just fill up?
-Not for me boss. I have a lady here with me who needs it.
I counted the seconds in my head anticipating when the laughter would come. But none came.
-On my way. Be there in 10 tops. I stared at the phone incredulous. He actually didn't judge? Well that was comforting.
-Told ya he's a nice dude. Mr. Thomas bumped me with his elbow and wiggled his eyebrows at me. I couldn't help myself and smile back at him. Thank you God for not sending me a serial killer!
We were waiting in the truck for his boss to arrive. It was warm inside and silent. Awkward silence I may add.
-I'm sorry about your wife. I say unable to stand the silence. He look at me and gave me a small cornered smile.
-Thank you. She past eight years ago. Time flies.
I looked at my hands, they were slightly whiter than normal. I guess because of the cold. My fingertips were tingling as I was warming up.
