"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I asked my friend Lani. We're in the park today and February 14th, and I wouldn't say I like Valentine's day. Do you know why? I don't know, and I don't know if it's like I'm going to explode with so much annoyance that I want to have a headache. "Sure, you, do you believe?" She asked me.
"I don't know, and I haven't even experienced love yet. It's good that you're experiencing it." I said as I watched the couple on the swing. Has God cursed me for not experiencing love? "You're probably afraid to love, aren't you? I don't know why your name is Lovely," She had a point. I don't have experience with love, and maybe God cursed me.
My name is Lovely Grace Salvador, 21 years old, and yes, I am afraid to fall in love or be loved. I don't know why every time I see a man, I suddenly get nervous. It is called philophobia, meaning there is a fear of love. My fear of love began when my parents separated. Yes, it hurt me when Daddy and I broke up. Because my Mommy was a drug addict then, she was always in the news, radio, or TV.
So Daddy thought that they would separate because such a situation did not help them.
I was five years old then, and I witnessed the two of them fighting. Morning, afternoon, and evening, because Mommy was always away from home when Daddy found out that Mommy, also a Drug addict had a relationship. So Daddy thought to get away and separate. It hurts someone like me that one day I won't love anyone else forever, even if I want to experience it for the rest of my life, nothing either. So I'm still single now.
"So try searching on Tinder or what. You know you'll find that prince charming of yours." Lani said to me, Lani and I have been friends for a long time in kindergarten. She is my guardian angel whenever my classmates tease me. About Mommy, even though she sympathized with me, she still didn't leave me until we were in elementary school. She became my schoolmate when I was in grade 5, and in grade 4, our personalities were very far away. Because I became hot-headed and he often got into fights, he was always in the principal's office. Until she left to study in Pampanga while I was in Manila. And now we are classmates.
At Dinner, I talked to Daddy about my problem. I often ask Daddy about my situation, so I'm not close to him. I've been Mama's girl ever since. So I immediately became close to my stepmother Mommy Grace.
"Daddy, I'm afraid to love," I said. He wouldn't know he doesn't want to because he hasn't even tried one, even though I know it's unlikely to happen to me. I knew my confidence was low, so I had no friends except Lani. "You know, Lovely, I understand you, but you also remember about what happened to us before," she said. "Yes, dad, but no, I don't want to," I said, and then Daddy hugged me.
"Remember others do not love this, Lovely, not everyone. Others will accept you. Yes, I am also hurting but now not anymore. Because there is a woman who loves me," he said.
I was eight years old when I first went to Disneyland. I had a lot of fun there, especially when I saw Elsa from Frozen. I had a big smile there. On the night of the fireworks display at Disney Castle, I don't know why I cried. I didn't tell daddy when I was crying because all the hurt Mommy did to us flashed back at me. He cheated on us, and I couldn't resist, so I decided to go with Daddy instead of him.
Mommy Grace is kind, and she always buys me things. Even when I didn't ask, he gave it to me. Until I went to college, he gave me a laptop for educational purposes, and when my grades were high, he always accompanied me everywhere. 'This is the happiest thing in my whole life. But is this enough for me? But for me, Yes, it's like forgetting my painful past.
I can't accept what Mommy did to Daddy and us. It's wrong that she chose the man she met at the gay bar more than Daddy and me, and maybe she should forget that forever.
"Why are you still awake, son?" Daddy asked me while I was watching 'The Notebook. "That's because it's my favorite movie because this is the first movie that Mommy and Daddy and I watched then. So here's my favorite movie." "I said.
"Go to sleep after you watch, okay?" Dad said to me.
"Yes, dad," I said, and then they went upstairs to sleep.
I hope I'm just the actress in the movie. Even if it's an ugly ending, it's still good for me because there is no happy ending in real life. For others, yes, there is, but in my story, there isn't! There is no happy ending, and I don't know how it will end, and I don't care if it will end or not? If it ends, when else? If not, until when? Hey, the number of questions in my brain, but I'm sure the story of my life will end, and hopefully, it's a happy ending and not tragic. It's like I watch and read stories. But when is the right time for me to fall in love?
