"DO NOT RESUSCITATE"
The words blurred before her eyes as her sleep-addled brain tried to make sense of the lengthy forms. Collien stared at the papers she clasped, the pages getting crinkled little by little.
"DECISION TO LIMIT EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE"
She read the entire form. From the title alone, she already knew what it implied; but five minutes in and she still couldn't lower the pen she clenched. Placing the pen on the dotted line felt like an impossible task. The ball of apprehension lodged in her throat didn't help, either.
Why should she be the one to sign? She inhaled sharply, scowled, and waited for her chest to stop coiling into a painful knot of anxiety and disbelief.
Did she have to sign the papers? Why was it her choice to make?
Bafflement and nerves sped up her heartbeat. Collien wanted to run the other direction. Why was she the one responsible for making this life-or-death decision all of a sudden?
The smell of antiseptic filled her head for a moment. She made a face, just staring distractedly at the medical forms she held. Her mother, placid and exhausted, rested in the most uncomfortable position, seated next to the hospital bed with her hands entwined around her dying husband's arm.
The sight made Collien want to dash to the exit and cry to herself.
Should she sign the DNR? What did her mother expect her to do? Confounded with hesitation, Collien stared at her critically ill father on the hospital bed.
A blue blanket with the hospital's logo partly covered the patient gown he wore. He hadn't been conscious in a while, and his hair, now all light gray, had thinned out over the past weeks. His formerly fleshy limbs had shrunk and looked as slender as her arms now. His skin had also darkened, in contrast to his paler face. It was the round of meds and lack of proper nutrition.
Tubes still stuck out of his arm and mouth, promptly reminding her of his worsening physical state. Did she want to end his suffering?
Of course. But could she stand the thought of leaving this place fatherless and with a mother devastated by grief?
"If you need some time, we'll just wait for the signed papers here at the station," said the tall nurse while smiling faintly at her.
"Oh. Okay." Collien stood just outside the nurse station, clutching her bag filled with paperwork, her thoughts still a haze. "Thanks," she replied out of having nothing else to say.
She'd been tasked to deal with the medical paperwork, since her mom was in no shape or preferable mental state to handle everything else that had to be done while Cole Raish fought for his life in the hospital's intensive care unit.
Her poor mother hadn't smiled the past days, anxious and exhausted, especially after what the pulmonologist told them. "Your dad's condition is deteriorating. The complications are worsening his immune system, and if he wakes up from the coma, he'll be in much pain all day."
The prognosis no longer surprised them. Still, Collien prayed for a different scenario as she'd cry herself to sleep. It wasn't a frequent thing, because she liked to think she was stronger and more emotionally mature now; however, some nights, she just had to cry it all out.
Her Mommy Lenna needed to know the truth, as well, just so she wouldn't have unrealistic expectations for her husband. The reality saddened them both, but Collien understood the situation better now.
Her dad had been suffering for too long. The past months he'd been in and out of the hospital, she'd barely seen him smile. It was so unlike him. Some days, as he sat on the hospital bed, she would just watch him become a shell of himself, of the person he used to be.
"Nurse." She turned to the uniformed staff behind the ICU nurse station. "Am I the one who should sign?" Collien stood closer to the tall nurse in the blue scrubs. A surgical mask hid half of the female nurse's face.
The nurse looked too busy with patients' charts and barely maintained eye contact with her. "Your mother told us you would be signing the DNR form. You're Ms. Collien Lerysse Raish. Right, Ma'am?" The nurse glanced to where her mom sat in the other side of the ICU ward.
"Yes. I am." Collien watched her Mommy Lenna from afar. Her mom now rested her head beside her sick husband's fully covered legs. About half of her mother's body rested on the hospital bed. Hopeful. Tired. Pitiful.
"Dr. Revilleza would be doing his rounds later tonight, if you need to talk to him again," informed the nurse.
"But in case the patient wakes up today and...experiences another cardiac arrest, would you still administer CPR?" Unlikely, but Collien had to consider all the odds.
"If you're signing the DNR right now, then we're no longer allowed to."
Alright. Definitely, she needed to decide now. Collien took another moment to breathe. The black pen felt cold in her grip. She used the same pen earlier to sign her first ever resignation letter.
Yup. She just quit her job—her first ever job. Another big decision she had to make. Working for the government as her first stepping stone into the finance world had been a great, educational journey the past three years. She had enjoyed every day of it—mostly. But her family needed her right now. So she submitted the letter to her supervisor before she had to return to the hospital for the tenth time this month.
In hindsight, she hadn't really been that hands-on since her mother brought her husband to the hospital when Cole Raish experienced breathing difficulties last week. Collien just wasn't prepared to handle the situation. Now she understood why her mom expected her to make the big decision. At this point, her mother just felt too overwhelmed by it all.
The sad news from the doctors last night didn't surprise them much. But last week, it shocked her mother as much as it shocked her.
Who wouldn't be? Just a week ago she was talking to her dad about taking on the Chief Financial Officer role to help manage their family business. Her dad was still coherent then, even comfortable eating solid food. The memory left a piercing pain in her chest. Collien sighed. If only she knew it would be the last time she would get to talk to her dad...
It was like someone just stabbed her in the heart with a sharp blade. The tears wouldn’t stop coming. They rolled down her cheeks then dropped to the cold floor.
Everything just hurt. Collien quickly wiped the tears away and took a deep breath. For now, she shouldn't show weakness in front of her grieving mother.
Miracles do happen, right? Her father had been battling lung disease for years. So why give up now? Why lose faith in God this late in the fight?
"Keep calm, Collien." It was what she used to say to herself in times of anxiety. But it didn't work today, unfortunately. Her mom didn't even mention anything about her signing the DNR form.
Part of her wanted to just get it over with, while the more depressed part seriously considered tearing the sheets of paper forcing her to decide now. But, no—she had to act professional. Emotionally stable. Strong. Sensible and mature.
No proper sleep all week, but she could do this. Right now she felt like she hadn't slept in a year but she knew she just had to fake it and push through. For her mom. For her dad. For their family.
Just sign it. End his pain and suffering.
"Clau, sweetie."
"Mom..." Collien hid the paperwork and left it by the nurse station. She approached her mother who swiftly wiped off the tears while walking away from her husband's bedside. "Hungry? You need something?"
"No, sweetie."
"You sure?" Collien stroked her mother's shoulders and noted her pale lips and the dark half-circles under her brown eyes. Her wrinkled blouse and frizzy hair also told a lot. She needed to rest, but her mother felt like she had to stay by her husband's side 24/7.
"Your dad wanted to talk to you yesterday. He woke up for a bit."
"Sorry." Collien turned to regard her father's sleeping form. He had lost more weight over the past months, but now, to her own eyes, he didn't look like he was in deep trouble. Even with the tubes, the needles, and everything else sticking out of his body, he only looked like he was in deep slumber, peacefully resting. "Couldn't get here sooner 'cause my boss had to... Dad looks like he's just sleeping."
"I don't wanna talk to the doctor. Please stay till they get here. To check on him." Her mom sighed and glanced at the patient.
Sure. Okay. Her mom needed her to take care of everything else. Collien hugged her worried mom. She took a second to smile at her dad, even though he couldn't even open his eyes. Collien glanced at the cardiac monitor and the machines hooked to his limp body.
There was still time. Her dad would wait. He wouldn't just leave them. Of course he would wait.
A newfound courage forced her to put on a straight face. Collien recited a short prayer in her head, her steps firm and agile as she guided her mother out of the intensive care unit. "Let's grab somethin' to eat," she told her awfully quiet mom.
It was clear her mother was gradually slipping into another state of shock. Her mother sniveled and firmly held onto her arm.
"What d'you want for lunch?" Despite the anxiety building up inside of her, Collien kept her tone pleasant while bearing in mind mostly reassuring thoughts. She should take her mother somewhere else for the moment. Take her somewhere neutral. Peaceful. Foster positive thoughts and mellow out.
You're good at this. You've had time to practice. Toughen up, Collien.
Her family needed her now more than ever.
