“What if you happen to fall in love with two people at the same time? Whom do you choose, the one you are with for quite a number of years of pain and joy yet of emptiness or the one you are with for just couples of hours yet change your entire world?“ I asked him, hoping his answer would enlighten my pretending-to-be-confused mind.
“The one I love,” he answered briefly.
“What if you love them both?” I challenged him to answer my nonsense question, wishing his answer would somehow agree with my doubtfully certain decision.
“Between them, there is one who weighs heavier in your heart,” he precisely elucidated, leaving me even more confused.
Yes. I was confused. I was confused about several things around me. What does love really mean? Who could dare give that love? How can love conquer our selfish demands? How can we show love, giving justice to what it means? I was even confused whether I had experienced love or not.
The only answer I could remember is the line that I’ve read in some of Paulo Coelho’s writing that says, “I have loved many, but I spurned true love.”
His answer, to be frank, seemed to be like a shovel that dug the buried confusion I have since I’ve met the word I hardly could hate to discover, which is coined by every foolish heart to be LOVE.
In his answer, I was convinced that he believed in love. Of course, more probably, he had loved, and I didn’t know how many times he fell in love and got broken…
“He’s different. I knew he has a big heart to understand the flaws that I have been a woman who is trying hard to be full-grown. I know he has ears attentive enough to listen to both of my unsaid and redundantly-told sentiments being a hopeless romantic. I know he is open-minded enough to tolerate my silly viewpoints about love and thus would guide me to reach the pinnacle of true love’s wisdom. I know that even though he is partly a stranger, he would embrace me as if I’m his angel, for he is generous and therefore would laugh and weep with me as I would wade the transversal of my complicatedly-viewed-yet-simply-lived life. I know even how unreachable he is. He could be my Superman who would probably save me from all the terrors that I could meet as I would traverse the road of life. ” I insisted to myself, imagining as if he is not a man who tends to make a woman fall in love and to leave her broken-hearted.
I could still recall the time when I went back to Tagbilaran from Clarin, where we, the student writers, had the actual coverage of the SCUAA and when I was conscious that someone like him exists.
October 16, 2012, when I rode off from the dump truck, a tall, dark, and gentle-faced man had invaded my sight. He gave us a chair so that it would be easier for us to go down. When I saw his smile, although it was not for me, I felt the sudden stop of my world’s revolution. It seemed that fairytale came true, having all the magic sparks around us while the air blew the unmoved things. If you believe in the slow-motion of the world, even how busy, it was on its revolution, that certainly was happening.
When he walked away, my eyes were unconsciously following where he was going until the distance swallowed his appearance. And that left me so helpless, for I didn’t know him, and besides, I wasn’t able to imprint the full image of his face. I exactly didn’t know who was so wicked those moments; was it he who just walked away without allowing me to imprint him or the time who was so cruel to push him away so that the act of imprinting couldn’t happen.
Until one day, my heart had insisted that I saw him again. Yes, I did. He was wearing the something blue three-fourth sleeve t-shirt of the computer engineering studies. I was on my way to school that time and he, together with his classmate who happened to be the brother of my former classmate in college, was walking after me. I felt so awkward, as if he noticed me. So, I made my pace slower, and they walked ahead to me until his appearance disappeared again.
I guess everyone knows Yao Ming except me. Yes, he looked like him in some angles, especially through his eyes and his skill as a basketball player, who perhaps had enticed and made some women fall for him. I didn’t know Yao Ming anyway, not until he came, and that would explain how different our world was because I have never been a fan of any sports. We were once building the edifice of our dreams in the same institution but of different paths and tactics.
Maybe then, we were meant to know each other. The tall, dark, and gentle-faced man happened to approached Ann, my co-staffer in the school publication. In the meantime, I forgot my errands. My focus was to ask Ann who was that tall, dark, and gentle-faced man was talking. And she said it was Xi.
He is one of my crushes, and Ann, unfortunately, told it to her classmates, including him. I was not ashamed; we weren’t friends, and he didn’t know me either.
He would just make my day beautiful whenever I would see him from a short distance until I came to the point of sending him a friend request and everything both wrong and right followed.
I could not recall other memories anymore during those moments where our world was a bit far from each other. If he was near or close to me, it didn’t matter because there was no something special that bound us. If there was something special, he didn’t know about it. If he knew, it would not assure me that he would be interested in me. Besides, he was busy with his life, whatever caused him to, and so do I with my bitter love life when Drew and my life are entangled with the school publication.
He was part of my life when I was not busy. Since I was busier, I tend to forget him. I even forgot who Xi is when he first texted me.
Yes! He did, and I didn’t know what to do as if it was a big deal to him. Whatever he would say, I was happy about it, and that had eased the pain I had in its own simple way.
We were texting each other for quite sometimes. At last, I found someone who at least said the moon was nice and it’s fun to do moon gazing. At last, I found someone who at least said he wanted to go with me to gaze at the moon, and if it didn’t exist, we would find it together. From merely texting, we went out together until midnight. It was actually my first time to go out beyond 10 in the evening and, of course, with a stranger. He was a stranger, but it seemed that I knew him for so long. I was comfortable with him. Amidst the silence that sometimes struck, all I could say is that I loved the silence once we had because it was full of excitement---excitement of what my mouth would say and what he would reply, what he would ask and what and how I would respond.
Unfortunately, the moon was not there the first time we were together. It seemed that it escaped from us. But no! Perhaps, it wanted us to do something more laborious. The moon perhaps wanted us to find her together, and through that, we could have more time to be together---talking while waiting for her to spare its radiance.
The moon reminded me of him, whatever her phase is. If other people love the full moon the most, I was different. Veronika, one of Paulo Coelho’s story characters, believes that the new moon is more amazing. According to her, it still has room to grow, expand, and fill the whole of its surface with the light before its inevitable decline.
Maybe, the moon reminded him of me because one evening, he informed me about how beautiful the moon was at that time. I hope it was not part of his group message how I wish, at least through the moon that is as unfaithful as him, would make me a significant part of his happy and beautiful memoirs as a man.
September 7---I could still recall the last day I had been a 20-year-old lass. He was with me as I was gazing at the moon that shone a bit bright. He was with me when I tried to wash out the childish ideals that conquer my mind. I decided to recall all my sentiments and leave them in the place where they were once made with him. I wished that those sentiments I had with my past relationships, past endeavors, and everything that happened in the past 20 years of bitterness, betrayal, and bewilderment would turn into ashes and hopefully lead everything verdant to grow…
