“Mom?”
“Mom, please wake up!”
“You can’t leave me with him! You can’t leave me here…”
“Please…”
I still remember the night my mother left me. I was only 7. My father, Rock, beat her so badly that she could hardly see out of her eyes. He’s the Alpha of our pack, Ironclaw. But he’s also a monster to our family.
Nothing my mother, Emlin, did was ever good enough for him. I can’t remember a time when she was happy. An Alpha was never supposed to lay his hands on their lunas.
Once my grandfather, my mother’s father, died and Rock became the Alpha, there was nothing left of him except greed. He wanted power and he didn’t care who he had to step on to get it.
Every time I close my eyes, I remember so vividly the night she died. I can still hear her screaming down in the living room as my father yelled at her. He belittled her and made her feel as though she was nothing.
I tiptoed out of my room that night and sat by the stairs; the shards of glass broke from his hands as he clutched his beer bottle tightly. His knuckles grew white as fury raged through him.
She was terrified of him.
She cried for him to stop but he wouldn’t. He was too far gone.
Rock smashed the glass across her face, slicing through her flesh. She fell to the ground in a pool of her own blood. I wanted to scream for him to leave her alone, but my words were caught in my throat. He grabbed her by the shirt and punched her in the stomach.
Tears mixed in with the blood that was smudged across her face. Sweat poured from his reddened face. He spits at her; his lip curls as if he were looking at something disgusting. As he turned to walk away from her, he paused when he saw me sitting on the stairs.
I expected him to come after me next. But he didn’t come after me.
He turned away and stalked towards his bedroom. I looked at my mother who had her face buried in her hands sobbing. I wanted to run to her to comfort her, but I was frozen.
After what felt like a lifetime, she finally lifted her gaze to me.
“Go to bed, Arina,” she said; her tone was raspy as if it hurt her to speak. The redness around her neck was probably the reason for that. “I’ll be there in a little bit,” she promised.
I nodded and walked up the stairs and back into my bedroom.
My room consisted of a mattress, a dresser, a closet, and a couple of toys. That’s all I was allowed growing up. Rock hated spending the money on things we didn’t need, so I was only allowed the bare minimum.
These dark maroon shades were also kept on my window; my mother often kept them closed tightly so I never knew if it was daytime or nighttime. My mother slept with me nearly every night because she couldn’t stand being around my father. He had a different lover over a lot of the nights.
I knew one was a consistent lover of his.
Melissa.
My father met Melissa around the time I turned 1. My mother was threatened by her always being around, but he told her their relationship meant nothing and that my mother had nothing to worry about.
By the time I was 2, Melissa claimed she was pregnant. Rock kept her away for a long while. My mother wasn’t sure if she believed that this woman was pregnant, but it seemed as though Rock had cut ties with her.
Then 9-10 months later, he brought her back and she was carrying a baby. Apparently, he’s been taking care of her and being with Melissa at her place, without my mother knowing.
Melissa never lived with us, but she would come over periodically with the baby and Rock would go there a lot. I knew it destroyed my mother.
She was broken.
She was crawling into bed with me about 30 minutes later. She cleaned up most of the blood around her face, leaving only bruises and gash marks. Her eyes were swollen, and her lips were puffy.
It was amazing that she was able to smile when she saw me. She always managed to smile when I was around. She told me I was what kept her going most of the time and that she would do anything to protect me. She told me that she loved me more than anything and that I was her moon. I light her up when she’s at her darkest.
I said something to her that made her giggle; it was a relief to hear that from her. I couldn’t remember the last time she genuinely laughed. I hated I could not protect her.
At that moment, her worries had melted away and I saw something unfamiliar in her swollen green eyes.
Happiness.
I never wanted this feeling to end.
Eventually, I fell asleep in her arms.
When I woke up to her body being cold. The color was drained from her half-opened eyes, and I could see no signs of life.
Rock told me that she purposely drank poison to kill herself.
But that was a lie.
My mother would never kill herself; she would never leave me.
She couldn’t leave me…
That night imprisoned me and continues to haunt me 10 years later.
Nobody questioned how my mother died. He was the Alpha; they trusted him.
He covered her bruises with makeup before her wake and the swelling had gone down a bunch before the ceremony.
After she died, Melissa moved in with their child, Ronnie. Rock transferred his anger to me, and I started getting beat. I put up with it for a long time because I knew my mother had put up with it.
Most nights I would stay in my room because I couldn’t handle being seen by my father. I would pray to my mother every night, hoping that she was somewhere happy and safe. That’s all I wanted for her.
I couldn’t remember how old I was when I started conflicting self-harm with myself. I just remember wanting the numbness in my soul to go away. I wanted to feel something; anything. I would sit in bed and force the razor through the flesh of my wrist; I would watch the blood trickle down my arm and soak into the mattress I once shared with my mother.
When I turned 10, Rock married Melissa.
The pack didn’t even bat an eye at his new marriage. As much as he could fool them, he could never fool me. I knew of the monster that lay under his fur.
Melissa tried everything in her power to pretend to be my mother. She would even wear my mother’s clothing, jewelry, and my mother’s lavender perfume.
I hated her, but I hated him even more.
They were the reason my mother was dead.
“Stop acting like my mother!” I yelled to Melissa; she was scolding me for leaving some of my belongings in the living room. “You aren’t her; you will never be her.”
“Excuse me?” Melissa said, her eyes were large and alert.
My father came around the corner; his face was red with fury and his fists were clenched as he stormed closer to me.
At that moment, I wasn’t afraid of him. I didn’t care anymore. He could do whatever he wanted. I would at least feel something; anything other than this overwhelming numbness.
“You watch how you speak to her,” he hissed through gritted teeth.
“Make me…” I dared, keeping my voice as steady as I could.
I refused to show him any kind of fear. I wanted him to see how much I didn’t care. I wanted him to see how much I hated him.
Before any more words were exchanged, his fist went through my jaw. I stumbled backward and hit my head off the wall. I saw spots covering my vision and I felt a sense of dizziness. Before I could fully grasp what happened, his other fist went through my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.
I tumbled forward and vomited on the wooden floors. My fingers trembled as I held my stomach, trying to keep myself from vomiting.
I looked up at him; his face showed nothing but hate. His icy blue eyes were dark to the point where they were nearly black. His lip curled up in the same way he looked at my mother. He looked at me with such disgust on his face.
I could see the red aura of his wolf illuminating his skin; he wanted to transition and finish the job. If he switched to his wolf form, I knew I would be done for. I haven’t found my wolf form yet and wouldn’t until my 16th birthday.
I was powerless against him.
Melissa just watched and did nothing.
I thought he was going to hit me again, but he didn’t. He left me there. He took Melissa and they left the room together.
I spit blood onto the floor; I knew I couldn’t stay here anymore. I had to get out.
The next time I come back, I'm going to make him pay.
